2 down 3 to go

I've been back at Freed for a year now. This time last year, I was trudging through pre-xmas sales days at JCPenney and training someone to take my place. I was nervous, unsure and unhappy (happier than I had been but still...). Kansas was a good place for me to come back to, because my family loved and cared for me and reminded me how to do that for myself too.

And now, I've had a whole year of being a full time student, and am marvelling at my grades - all A's and B's - for the fall semester. I have a family of friends at Freed, a little place to call my own, and work I can be proud of and passionate about. There are even days when I feel like nothing can stop me. God is good.

Next semester I'm taking directing, and doing costumes for Tiffany's play. It will be challenging, and lots of fun. I'm going to miss my Susan H., who transferred to Harding (good luck suse!) and several friends who graduated this December. I can't believe that finally, next year, I will be a senior in college... ready to leave the undergrad world behind.

Right now, I'm enjoying being with my family, and lazing about the house watching LoTR and White Christmas, reading books I want to read, and talking about anything but the next assignment due. Mmm... a nap is calling me.

sigh

so i pretty much HATE looking at pictures of me right now. i'm tired of baby-step progress, and all this half way dieting that ends with cookies and chocolate. someone needs to duct tape my mouth shut between meals.

hey, other than that i'm GREAT. seriously. the play is over, and it was amazing. i am already thinking about stage managing ANOTHER play, i liked it that much people. it was hard, and exhausting and challenging, and i loved it.

i continue to be happy, despite my battles with self image, which is nothing new i suppose i'm just admitting them now. and deep down, i know that over the next year or so, it's going to get better. infinitely better. that moment of happy about a month or so ago was the turning of the tide in my mind.

we're home, it's thanksgiving break, and i'm spoiled as usual by my sweet family. it's time to sleep, read and write. and sigh. whether it's good stress or bad, there's always a moment of relief when it's all over. of course, i still have three weeks of school left this semester, and a term paper, but for the moment i'll take time to sigh.

how to

this site, by the wikipedia amuses me intensely by providing "how to's" for things i would never have even imagined. here's a new favorite. i especially like the tips and warnings section.

miracle worker and a clean house

my house is CLEAN!!! come see!yesterday i took the day off to regain my voice and get over the nastiness of a play induced cold. it was very relaxing, and i cleaned my house too. nothing relaxes me more than being home, when it's clean and everything is set right. i watched battlestar galactica (yum) and slept, and made myself lunch... it was lovely. and then i had dinner with chris at subway and went to rehearsal. life is good.

we're doing the miracle worker for the homecoming play, and i have to say, despite a few cheesy moments, this is such a powerful story. i tear up every night, and am struck by the beautiful writing of william gibson along with one of the most amazing true stories America can boast of. stage managing is overwhelming at times, but deeply satisfying too. i'm loving it.

since friday

something wonderful happened on friday and i can't explain it fully. i found myself twirling around on stage, singing and smiling, energetic and ... tall - while setting up rehearsal furniture. i've broken it down twenty different ways, savoring the interactions of the day, thinking about what motivated it all, but it's just a wonderful result of everything.

the mood hasn't broked yet. i'm happy. happier than i've been in years. the air seems clearer, my life seems fuller, and i'm walking tall. tall.

and this is even through my van breaking down in nashville, being stuck there overnight, and figuring out if i'll have to buy a new car. AND rehearsals (which are scary but i'm DOING it), and i'm probably getting sick.

but i'm happy.

cherish

reading my friend chara's blog... and then laura's... and realizing that i don't say enough how much i truly love and cherish the people in my life. there are certain people that just touch you deep down, and knowing them causes you to percieve the world in new ways... you people bring color and light to my world that i didn't know existed. thank you.

mcnair

go here. mcnair visited our campus last week, thanks to Dr. T, and inspired us all with his creativity workshops and general fun. i was lucky enough to pick him up and drop him off at the memphis airport and enjoyed stimulating conversation with my new friend mcnair wilson. check him out.

flurry

it's midterms week. actually, midterms are about over. it's friday. it's friday and i'm waiting on susan s. to call me so we can go to besso's for coffee. then we're tackling our Creative Dramatics notebooks. yay rah.

the weather suddenly cooled off this week, and i'm hopeful that soon i'll see real evidence of fall. my spirits are already up, despite the muddle of school, just because the air is crisp and i can wear my teal scarf and white hat.

adjust

i've somehow managed to push through the first two weeks of school unscathed. classes are very intense right now, and the social adjustment is making everything seem very heady. the summer was so quiet and earnest, and now there are people everywhere, and my "to do" list never shortens.

we adjust though. the older i get the easier it is to be certain that i will get through the next thing, and the next. i have a friend who i love very dearly, who never seems to get past the same problem... i know that feeling, i think we all have it sometimes. times when things just seemed to be lopsided and all wrong, and you find the same thing has tripped you up, again.

but i keep hoping that the adjustments will get easier, and that i will cover each bump in the road with a little grace.

one of my prayers for this semester is that i will be able to handle everything on my plate, and to do well at what is in front of me. i don't want to get tangled up in outside things, and worrying about who to please, and what to do. i know what to do, i just have to keep remembering it.

100

'member the one hundred club in kindergarten?

facebook told me i had 100 friends, total, today. i think when it hits 200 i should delete my account. it's getting scary, this ever so useful tool.

there is a people

my mom made me laugh this morning telling me about one of the church members in winfield who participated in the VBS "plays" i wrote. one was about esther - and this guy, who is the county attorney, played haman. apparently he was very enthused about his role, memorized his lines early, and wandered around saying lines. my favorite was, "there is a people..."

oh man. i guess you had to be there.

well, we celebrated ian's 18th birthday early at PF Chang's last night, and i fell in love with world market. i highly reccomend this store, i would have moved in if they would have let me. i plan to make a trip to the one in memphis now.

and so, another school year will commence next week. and i'm still hanging in there. somehow in the past two or three weeks, things have somehow balanced and righted themselves within me and without. i feel very blessed. times like these, of course, i approach with gratefulness and trepidation, because i know they are the times satan delights in snatching away from us.

so pray hard, and hold on.

i'm becoming ambitious again. a pleasing turn in my life development. i totally took my "A" in the NY trip class and now i feel confident that i can tackle a few more dr. t classes. plus, i will be stage managing for "miracle worker", and working in the theatre office. can i tell you how EXCITED i am about all of this?

i'm EXCITED about all of this.

on top of this, i am in a "get real" phase again on my weight. so the south beach diet and i are making a commitment, taking our relationship seriously, and incorporating the pilates dvd's that have been collecting neglect by my tv.

so if you're reading this, pray for me, that i'll keep my determination and meet my goals, with God's strength.

there is a people... hehehe.

returned

four days never went by faster.

now i'm trudging through the compilation of the scrapbook of doom. i never have claimed to love scrapbooking, and i am now certain why i've never declared that love. sure, it's satisfying to see the completed pages and realize that i'm fairly creative... but it just takes too much time!! for a perfectionist anyway. it took me an hour just to plan the table of contents (a requirement for the class) yeah, besides which, this is an expensive "hobby"

yes, yes, i know - i'll enjoy having it afterwards and derive much satisfaction from letting everyone see it.

i loved new york. loved.

and now i'm plunging into the pile of "little" tasks i must perform in order to prepare for the fall semester. and now, i have a new roomie. emily moved in on monday, and brought an entertainment center, courtesy of the holtins, with her. so we totally rearranged the living room the day after i got back. i was sooooo tired. but the living room looks great, especially with the addition of a new walmart chair that makes me very happy.

how did the summer end so soon? yeah, i know it's not quite over yet - just step outside. but, but, but... the fall semester is starting on the 23rd. crazy. i need to go buy school supplies.

new york, spelling bees and the devil

it's 5:45 pm and i'm packing. my alarm will go off at 1:45 am telling me to shower, dress and drive to the GC parking where i will start my trip to New York City. saying New York City makes me think of a Pace Picante commercial.

yay. i'm going to New York.

where i will see a musical with the longest title: 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee. see, it's long isn't it? apparently this musical incorporates audience members who are randomly chosen to participate in a spelling bee going on in the play. i wanna spell.

when i grow up, can i be meryl streep? she is so cool. i've watched "the devil wears prada" twice now, and it truly makes me happy.

collection

i collect people.

whitney was up a couple weekends ago, and i was reminded of our shared amusement at people who "collect" things. once i had a stamp collection when i was oh, 9 i think... and then there was the time when i "collected" barbies. but really i was trying to justify the number i owned. other than that, i've never really set out to collect all of any sort of collector's edition anything - ever.

personally, i've always felt like "collectibles" were "dust collectors" and that was it. very rarely is there any true personal attachment to these things people buy and keep on the shelves and mantles like trophies.

but i do collect people. they are all unique, they love me back, i don't have to keep them on shelves and best of all - i don't have to dust them!

also...

zach and katy smith
here are two wonderful people i've grown fond of, they just got married too.

observations

and so, this is what i've noticed lately:

-- people usually aren't thinking what you think they're thinking.
-- if you ask for help in doing something, you just might get it.
-- it's not that hard to just get up and DO what you're supposed to do. in fact it's WAY better than avoiding said tasks.
-- when you're busy doing life, you don't have as much time to blog.

lately, i've been battling some fierce anger and resentment, i suppose it's natural when you consider that recovering from a divorce and restarting your life doesn't happen overnight. something hit me over the head the last week though, it's an old realization that i'm convinced HAS to reoccur on a regular basis in my life.

it was this: when i'm far away from God, and far away from knowing how i really feel, i am miserable. those two things are so connected. for me, anger is this shield that i use to protect myself from ME. when i'm angry, i feel justified in it, and indulge myself completely in the process. (boy i wish i had that commitment in some other areas!) and, when i'm busy being angry and resentful, i don't have time to listen to God and i'm certain that i'm not a very attractive vessel for His Spirit.

the result of these realizations for me is a conviction that i need to carve out more time with God, and more time working towards a healthy life. so, at the moment i am sitting in the library recovering from a good workout and relishing a peaceful day that began with God and hopefully will end with Him too.

and in other news...

my hands smell like onions. i am making a roast with potatoes and other yummy things....

i made soap today in physical science lab...

my sweet brother chris bought me a desk for my birthday and put it together too.

aaand... that's all i have to say right now. i am blessed, and loved.

state of my nation

The Most Serene Republic of Innis Morgaine is a very large, safe nation, notable for its punitive income tax rates. Its compassionate, cynical population of 173 million are ruled by a mostly-benevolent dictator, who grants the populace the freedom to live their own lives but watches carefully for anyone to slip up.

It is difficult to tell where the omnipresent government stops and the rest of society begins, but it juggles the competing demands of Public Transport, Law & Order, and Religion & Spirituality. The average income tax rate is 64%, and even higher for the wealthy. Private enterprise is illegal, but for those in the know there is a slick and highly efficient black market in Arms Manufacturing.

An enormous health awareness programme is underway, citizens are encouraged to report friends, family members or co-workers who seem depressed to the government for "counselling", the nation's first space rocket -- sponsored by Pepsi and shaped like an enormous soda bottle -- is being developed, and there have been reports of people marrying housepets. Crime -- especially youth-related -- is well under control, thanks to a well-funded police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. Innis Morgaine's national animal is the otter, which frolics freely in the nation's many lush forests, and its currency is the innismark.

Innis Morgaine is ranked 23rd in the region and 44,895th in the world for Largest Trout Fishing Sector.

-- this is my very own nation state . right now Innis Morgaine is considered a "Father Knows Best" state with a reasonable economy and good civil rights but few political freedoms. of course, my nation is a member of the freedtopia region. don't ask me why, but i love this game!

memorial

i'm spending the weekend with these three crazies. we're doing memorial day weekend wi/ paul's family in the nashville area. and there's a renaissance fair on monday. yay!!! i've never done that before.

apples to apples

this is a brilliant game, and i highly recommend it.
of course, that might have something to do with the fact that i've been playing it every night this week. david, susan s. and paul shoulders are also around for the summer, and so my place has become the place to hang out it seems. fine by me. =) you know how i hate coffee and good company.

demand

i've been told i need to post something new by several people now... and it surprises me that i haven't posted in a while! but not. last week was finals, and the weekend before i moved into my house. quite exhausted. and of course now, i'm limited to dial-up internet which i haven't set up yet... and, i've been in kansas this weekend.

summer has just about arrived. school's out, it's warm and stormy in tennessee, and the boys are leaving for zimbabwe tomorrow... i just found out for sure that i'll be working at the library this summer - yay! and i'm extremely happy that we're doing summer theatre too.

ummmm.... that's all i have for now, but at least this won't freak you out like drew does chara. =)

it's back

an old friend came out to haunt me during the run of the play... here's the question: DO i look like drew barrymore?? seriously? that's just weird.

high

the play is over, and i didn't want it to end... i'm on a "theatre high" right now i think. we had our theatre majors debriefing for "winter's tale", and thursday we have spotlight awards - the final touch to an incredible semester performance-wise for me.

sometimes i really doubt myself and my choice to pursue theatre. in fact, when i came back this semester, i told dr. t that i wasn't sure i'd major in theatre anymore. winter's tale was my test run. i felt like if i did this play and it ended up feeling like pride and prejudice part deux, then i didn't need to pursue a career in the performing arts. and... somehow, magically, it WASN'T that way anymore.

i was telling susan h. that i feel like such a geek because i don't want the process of making the show, and then performing it, to end. even with all the stress of getting papers and tests done, and the exhaustion of the late nights and drain of focusing and playing hermione, i loved it. and it's no longer about impressing anyone, or getting approval, it's about telling the story and making one incredible moment after another... it's curtain call, and the genuine joyful triumph each one of us - cast and crew - feels as we grip eachother's hands and take a bow.

and now, there's a possibility of a SUMMER SHOW... dr. t asked us how many would be here this summer, and if we'd be interested in doing one. yeah!! and then, and then and then... i'm going to NEW YORK CITY for a week, and getting 3 hours credit for it too.

i feel so blessed right now, that God has provided me with this haven, this place full of friends, love and the joy of doing something i am passionate about. and now, i have to finish this paper. =)

whitney

it's my friend whitney's birthday. this will be the... 5th birthday she's had since i've known her. thanks for all the long aimless nights of tea, chocolate and wonderful thoughts. all the times you've made me laugh when i was taking myself far too seriously. and all the love and you spend on everyone, and the things you've taught me. i love you whit.

pay attention

"to pay attention, this is our endless and proper work." ~mary oliver

the past few days have been tense. school is winding down (or is it up?), and we definitely are wound up for the play. tomorrow is opening night. there are crazy scribbly butterflies in my stomach when i think too much about it. which is actually, really fantastic. the last play i was in, i despaired at the lack of nervousness i had. i was like a stone, i had rocks in my stomach not flurrious (hehe) flutterbies.

due to the nature of the theatre program here, and our lack of faculty, growth is really something you struggle for and carve out on your own at times. my performance level during rehearsals has been low key and muted. tonight i really need to push things in order to be READY for tomorrow. i know the lines, i know the role, and i just need to remember what is at stake for my character, and delight in the beauty of the lines spoken.

so much of what you do onstage is about paying attention. if you're not focused, you will miss so much, and getting lost is not pretty.

broccoli

i found this book at season's coffeeshop tonight after our scrumptious japanese meal. i want it.

passage

i've always attibuted my habit of marking the passage of time to the mitchell side of my genes. from a young age, i remember my granpa mitchell saying, "and what were you doing one year ago today?" or on birthdays it would be, "where were you on this day -- years ago?"

it's stuck.

a strong awareness of where i am, where i've been and what i've done has been fostered in me by many. i place a great value on memories created over the span of my life, some wonderful, some very simple and some incredibly sad. i think part of "growing up" for me has been realizing that i play a role in creating those memories, and that what i do and say impacts others' memories. we say no one will remember us historically, we'll never be written up in text books to be memorized and then forgotten by hundreds of highschoolers. but, someone will remember you, will remember me.

sometimes it surprises me who remembers me, and what they remember about me. sometimes it's struck me pleasantly, the other person's memory of me is an image i like to project, or a trait i prize... sometimes, however endearingly or politely expressed, i wonder if i did myself justice in the actions that created that impression. i've always been very image-concious, sometimes to the point of social anxiety, and it's usually at those times that i am not memorable or remembered as someone i'm not.

as i end this first semester back at FHU, i am anticipating the feeling of satisfaction. i have not done everything perfectly, but i have done the things in front of me. nothing is incomplete, i put effort into everything. my classes, my commitments, and my spiritual life have been honored. the student center breakfast, worship at jack's creek, rehearsals with the winter's tale cast, being with my family here... God has blessed me with inumerable good memories to fill my heart as i mark the passage of time.

tripod

ah, love and marriage in my generation. =P

pink

after my last blog comment i was reminiscing. i would love to have pink hair. i know, i'm silly.

2000

ever look at an old photo and think, "wow, that was me?"

plunk street

i have a house!!

well, to rent anyway. and i'm soooo excited! and relieved. it's getting to be that crazy time of the semester when all i can think about is school and the play... so i didn't want to worry anymore about where i was going to live after finals.

and in other news...

last week i was very klutsy and fell off of a plinth (yes, a plinth) on set, and tripped over stairs in the rain, and now feel very sore and bruised.

tomorrow i will teach an "ESL" lesson in Intercultural Comm. class to Mark Blackwelder. i'm going to teach him how to do a theatre vocal warm-up. hehehe.

my brother chris is amazing! for further details... come see "a winter's tale" or ask him about his new job at red walnut church.

my brother ian is amazing! he's getting a scholarship in the english dept. and is taking upper level courses his freshman/sophomore years.

and... that's all i have for now folks. love and freshly folded laundry.

final decree

according to the dallas county court, my divorce was finalized on March 31, 2006. i recieved the final decree in the mail today. i can't go to classes today. i just can't.

cooking

i love to cook. it's really becoming a bit of a creative outlet for me - or at least a stress relief that is healthy and useful. i've taken to making meals downstairs in the dorm kitchen. mostly pastas and yummy sauces, with lots of fresh ingredients... and the rule is to share it. if i make food i have to share it with someone in the dorm. people seem to be getting used to seeing me in there, and smelling the garlic and onion... or whatever.

my friend laura often posts really great pictures of the food she and john make and it's very inspiring. they're always trying something unique, and very tasty too. i'm looking forward to having a kitchen of my own again, and a place where i can grow some herbs and vegetables too.

the best part of making food, for me, is that you can share it and share the process of making it with anyone. it draws people together and in the process, friends not only feed their bodies but eachother's souls.

don't lie

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry
Hey, baby my nose is getting big
I noticed it be growing when I been telling them fibs
Now you say your trust's getting weaker
Probably coz my lies just started getting deeper
And the reason for my confession is that I learned my lesson
And I really think you ought to know the truth
Because I lied and I cheated and I lied a little more
But after I did it I don't know what I did it for
I admit that I have been a little immature
Messing with your heart like I was the predator
In my book of lies I was the editor
And the author
I forged my signature
And now I apologise for what I did to you
Cos what you did to me I did to you

No,no, no, no baby, no, no, no, no don't lie
No, no, no, no, yeah, you know, know, know, know, you gotta try
What you gonna do when it all comes out
When I really see you & what you're all about

No, no, no baby, no, no, no, no don't lie
Yeah, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you gotta try

She said I'm leaving
Cos she can't take the pain
It's hard to continue this love it ain't the same
Can't forget the things that I've done inside her brain
Too many lies committed too many games
She feeling like a fool getting on the last train
Trying to maintain but the feeling won't change
I'm sorry for the things that I've done and what I became
Caught up in living my life in the fast lane
Blinded by lights, cameras, you know the fame
I don't know the reason why I did these things

And I lie and I lie and I lie and I lie
And now our emotions are drained
Cos I lie and I lie and a little lie lie
And now your emotions are drained

No, no, no, no baby, no, no, no, no don't lie (no, don't you lie)
No, no, no, no, yeah, you know, know, know, know, you gotta try (got to try, got to try)
What you gonna do when it all comes out (what you gonna do baby)
When I really see you & what you're all about
Nonono babe, no, no, no, no don't lie
Because you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, gotta try

Yo, I'm lying to my girl
Even though I love her
And she all in my world
I give her all my attention and diamonds & pearls
She's the one who makes me feel on top of the world
Still I lie to my girl, I do it


And I lie and I lie and I lie till there's no turning back
I don't know why, (and I lie and I lie till I don't know who I am)



--BEP, Monkey Business

hands

"Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are continually before me."
Isaiah 49:16

"And the LORD said, "Behold, there is a place by me where you shall stand on the rock, and while my glory passes by I will put you in a cleft of the rock, and I will cover you with my hand until I have passed by. Then I will take away my hand, and you shall see my back, but my face shall not be seen."
Exodus 33:21-23

attributed to augustine

"In necessariis unitas, in dubiis libertas, in omnibus autem caritas."

or, in things necessary unity, in doubtful things liberty and in all things love. i really like this quote, it was on my friend josh's blog and it really reflects how i've been feeling about some things i've seen going on lately.

i especially like the last part: in all things love. not gushy mushy love but real love that accepts people where they are and challenges them to grow without crushing or stunting. it makes me heartsick to see so many people i love and care about get ugly over things they disagree on. yes, it's necessary to disagree and to discuss, but the manner in which we do so as christians should be markedly different than that of the world's.

well, there's my recent two cents worth.

home

henderson really is a home for me. after all, i have lived here on and off for nearly six years. even this little dorm room seems homey to me. it's mine, and it's in the place i want to be right now. i like that. it was good to come "home" from kansas after spring break.


we had house church today at jack's creek. yum - and that's not just about the food. i love every person in that congregation, even the ones i don't really know well. i suppose that's because i feel so welcome and loved there that i can't help but love back. that's how family is supposed to be, right? we had an easter egg hunt after lunch, and devotional under the trees, and on top of that - chara visited! i was so happy to see her and it was such a great surprise. i just love her to bits.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

--e.e. cummings

beware the ides

it's the fifteenth. some of you know that tomorrow would have been my fourth wedding anniversary.

...

that's about how i'm letting myself feel.

so let me take this time to say thank you to each and every one of you who have held my hands up as i weathered that storm. thank you for praying for not only me, but for jared too. life really does go on even if it is never the same. God is the same and i will continue to marvel and praise Him for His love.

an ideal husband

watch this movie. it will make you happy.

fearfully wonderfully

i am determined to face life with less trepidation. i do not wish for the complete absence of it, but for less of it. i'm thinking right now of my basic acting class aeons ago now. and then subsequent performance classes where i would come in, prepared or no, and spill out a monologue or piece with another actor. that was sheer torture at first, i was so scared to mess it up! it had to be right, the first time, and anything less made me sick to my stomach. but there came a point in that first class especially, i recall, where i found a piece i liked, and anchored myself until i got it, and i loved that feeling. it became a part of me, and it felt... right to say what i said, to be the person saying it.

i still have that nasty bit of fear, shyness when it comes to certain things... but the thing God constantly hits me over the head with is: GET OVER YOURSELF! when i forget stefanie, i'm so much better at so many things. when i stop worrying what other people will think and simply do what i need to do - be the character, say the lines, do right, make good choices, be myself - it's amazing how much better everything seems.

when i allow the Spirit to work in me, peace seems so much closer, and life seems not only manageable but sweet. i love the messiness, the hope and the butterflies, the tears and the stage fright that works through my mind and body every day of my life.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
Psalm 139:13-14

wheatseed ;)

oh! my daddy has a blog ... isn't that cool?

gratitude

this is susan. (i stole the pic off of dr.t's scotland/piper pics) i've known her for oh... over a year now, thanks to the infamous production of "Pride and Prejudice" . but this past week or so i've been honestly delighted to know her better. susan's one of several "new" friends i've made at freed. she is fantastic, and i don't feel like she's a new friend because i feel like i've known her for ages. i love that kind of people! sometimes i marvel at how God blesses me with family wherever i go...

it's almost march, midterms and spring break are around the corner and i feel like i'm just starting to acclimate. there are a few things up in the air right now - like finding a roomate for the summer, and my van needing a tail light - but i'm provided for. the stream of papers and presentations is about to start, and after next week i'll be in rehearsals almost every night. on top of that, i have people. i feel immensely blessed and grateful. life is never complete until you die... and then it really just moves on, transcends this one and eclipses it. i don't know what will happen next, i have a few dreams and no guarantees but that of God's grace, and i honestly don't want to know what's next.

it's a beautiful day, and i'm thankful for friends and the beauty of God's plan for me... though i only can glimpse a small part.

meaning

people say alot of things that don't really mean anything. have you ever noticed that? we say alot of stuff to just get us from one point to the other, one moment to the next. what if all the fluffy stuff was removed? what if all the "small" talk was cut out, and we only communicated our direct and immediate needs, feelings and thoughts. somedays, i feel like everything coming out of my mouth is just garbage, verbal litter, waste.

not that i'm "profane" in the vernacular sense at all. i don't make a habit of talking in a vulgar manner when i can help it (and you pretty much always can). there are just simply times when i slow down, and marvel at how much loose information rolls through my head, down my tongue and out into the wide world. so much of it is superfluous, so much of it - pretty, funny, silly as it may be - is just decoration.

there are unique friends in my life, and unique encounters i hold dear. people and meetings with people that are rich and seamless. full of thought, full of what is real to us - either collectively, or individually - and we are all interested in it. we want, no desire, to hear and to savor and to ponder. these people are normal people, it's just that i love them, and i can pick up conversation again without the flirtation and unease of day to day acquaintance.

i'm beginning to understand "yearning";
a longing for something more
and something less
grows inside me.

it's as simple as silence

(and as rich as shared secrets)

as clear
as
running
water
and as deep as the pool it falls into.

cast

'Tis time; descend; be stone no more: approach;
Strike all that look upon with marvel. Come;
I'll fill your grave up : stir; nay, come away;
Bequeath to death your numbness, for from him
Dear life redeems you.—You perceive she stirs;
[Hermione comes down from the pedestal]
Start not: her actions shall be holy, as,
You hear, my spell is lawful; do not shun her,
Until you see her die again; for then
You kill her double: Nay, present your hand:
When she was young you woo'd her; now, in age,
Is she become the suitor!

--I've been cast in the role of Hermione in "Winter's Tale". I'm very excited, and nervous.
I have to stand still for 80 lines of Shakespeare. Yay.

just in case

...you didn't know how cool christopher walken is:

WEAPONS OF CHOICE (Fatboy Slim)

Video Code provided by VideoCodeZone.Com

boo

the one on the left is my baby brother - ian. i reserve the right to call him "boo" until he's 90. and i'm the only one who can. well, ok mom you can too. i'm incredibly proud of my "little" brother. i've never known anyone who is more joyful, empathetic or ... goofy. on top of that, he really is handsome, intelligent, charming and most importantly, GODLY. we have a special connection, and i love him to bits. i can listen to him talk about programming and anime or lit class anyday. i love you boo!

christopher

this is my brother christopher. i love him. we're two years apart, and even though we don't talk every day and aren't "joined at the hip", we're pretty close. i think he's an amazing guy. mainly because he has this huge capacity to love, and a desire to serve that just blows me away. he's one of my heroes - not because he's perfect, but because he puts his whole self into everything he does. one of the biggest blessings in my life has been having two incredible brothers that i LOVE to be around. thank you for loving me back chris!

spoony

spoony \SPOO-nee\, adjective:
1. Foolish; silly; excessively sentimental.
2. Foolishly or sentimentally in love.

http://wiki.ehow.com/Arrange-a-Dozen-Roses-in-a-Vase
http://mcsweeneys.net/2006/2/14traig.html

add it to the list

of brilliant ideas that stefanie has...
i decided to drive to walmart at 9:30pm on a very icy snowy night. and spun out in the van over a patch of ice past pinson. and the little van is still stuck on the snowy embankment waiting for rescue. no rear bumper left because it caught ahold of a road sign.

yeah, so i felt real smart. fortunately no one was hurt, it was just me and the ice. and the van. sometimes i wonder if i'm really nearly 24 years old.

and on a different note, i'm getting ready to audition for "a winter's tale". my monologue's getting there. guess i should go work some more. haven't auditioned a play in over a year. wow. i'm excited.

family

it's lectureship week at FHU, there are crowds of sweet old ladies and boisterous preachers, big family groups, and lots and lots of surprise reunions. i love it. alot of the students on campus bemoan the lack of parking, the crowds in the cafeteria and all over campus, and the longer chapel talks... and the parking is annoying ... but i am so encouraged by the hundreds of people who come to be encouraged and to feast on the Word of God.

our adopted "granny" louise is staying in my dorm room this week, and i just love talking with her. she is so gracious and joyful. and then some of our "cousins" from south africa are here to check out freed and enjoy the lectures. ben and laura are auntie jean's kids - jean and mom were great friends growing up, and i have lots of memories of them visiting and playing with us as kids. so cool to see them now all grown.

one thing i'm really liking this week is that i have NO classes. all my classes this semester are Bible so they're out for the week so we can enjoy lectures. all i have to do is turn in notes from the lectures i attended.

i'm just so thankful for my extended family in the Lord and the incredible people, and love that surrounds me.

simple

one of my favorite words. my little saying i often tell myself: simple does NOT mean easy. the more days i add to my life on this earth the more i want them to be simple. straightforward. uncomplicated. honest.

and as nice and clean as that word sounds, it is hard to maintain. lately i've been noticing the pull of the fhu bookstore for example. little notebooks and shiny gel pens, "supplies" that really have no purpose, chocolate and multivitamin drinks, cologne and brad montague cds all fascinate me. i can spend a whole twenty minutes in there contemplating how to waste 3 dollars. what's sadder is that you can put these pointless purchaseson your student account and not feel it until you graduate.

oh, here's another one: i want some converse tennis shoes - black or pink i'm not sure... but, WHY? i don't NEED them!! i have ten pairs of perfectly good shoes, plus i go barefoot as much as possible, i'm not a shoe person. but there it is, i have the strong desire to clutter my life.

slowly, i've begun to realize this urge can seep right down to the spiritual level too. i can see this desk or filing cabinet in my mind with different overstuffed folders for all sorts of forays in thought. a folder for "issues" in the church, one for "alternative belief systems" - that one's thick, i have a fascination for eastern religion and pagan beliefs - and maybe a whole drawer labelled "doubts and skepticisms".

i've always heard teachers and preachers saying that we have a "buffet style" approach to religion today. this kind of statement makes me want to roll my eyes at times because of the way it's stated. i tend to want to argue back, even if there is some truth to these large statements. but, but, i understand this one. i like to pick and choose... it's that whole mentality of "thingism" as i call it. you know, like, "how does this couch reflect my personality?", "does this t-shirt show how edgy and cool i really am?" you can just SEE people thinking these things sometimes when you look at what they wear or what they own. i think i'm tempted to do this at times in the realm of "religion".

i'm in a class on the prophets right now. and this is what it boils down to: God doesn't want you messing around with "alternative beliefs" he just wants you to worship him with a sincere and clean(ed) heart. simple, right? easy? no.

no lie

it's coming up on that day i've never liked. ever. the one with the big red hearts and candy and roses... and i know i'm not the only one to express that sentiment. this year though... it'll be different.

i've tried very hard in the past year to cultivate a positive attitude towards couple-ishness. so far it's worked almost as well as when i convinced myself that potato chips were disgusting (those of you who know me know that i can't stand em)... i started by simply telling myself that it was cute and sweet and great to see pda, and that people holding hands and smiling was NICE thing... and now, i get that warm fuzzy smiley feeling every time i see a couplish.

but... but... lately, with all this positivity, i almost feel like being couplish myself. and this is just setting myself up for dissapointment when it comes to my least favorite day. and the thing is, i'm really just liking this whole being me thing... and i definitely am an appreciator of the opposite sex. i like men, alot. i'm a fan of the whole male of the species thing really. they're good for many things... and i have lots of male friends, and that makes me happy too. i take it as a sign of my inner balance - i'm not one of those people that thinks that you can only be friends with a guy when your on the way to a romance with him.

anyway, i think the main thing is that i am rediscovering what it's like to be single and female again, and i'm doing this on a college campus that happens to have sayings like, "three swings and a ring", and "look to your left, look to your right... " - you freedies know what i'm talkin about. so, it's weird. it's also weird to tell these bright eyed sweet little freshmen that i'm a 23 year old divorcee.

yeah. you go try that. my cynical dark side finds it amusing. but mostly i just think... "and let that be a lesson to you". isn't that EVIL?? i mean, i have to be honest. i have to tell people why i have two last names, and that i'm only a sophmore/junior at this age because i uprooted my life for three years in pursuit of a dream marriage that never materialized. how do you communicate that simply, honestly - no bones about it - without sounding like your playing for attention or sympathy?

now, understand - i'm not in a melancholy mood about this, i'm not depressed or wishing i was where i was a year ago or anything - i'm just doing what i do best, analyzing. observing. i'm fascinated by how people choose to interact with me, how they approach me, and how they choose to react to this particular fact of my life.

no lie - i'm doing well, bittersweet in spots, ecstatic in others... mostly just BEing. it can happen, even after you've watched your life get turned upside down a few hundred times. and as for the 14th of February - bring it on. i'll probably love it this year.

clear eyed tears

we played in the grey puddles and you
grabbed me by the waist and swung me around
grinning
laughing
playing
in the pouring rain

fat raindrops and my long blue skirt soaked through
your eyes crinkled at the corners with a smile and
giddy
bubbling
attraction
under the wet wet sky

it poured down tonight and you
were on my mind but your hand was nowhere near to hold
grasping
remembering
sighing
in the dark sweet smelling rain

je suis content

my fragmental french surfacing again...

but i am "well", or "content" right now. so many things even a month ago that i disparaged myself for are not a problem anymore. and i don't mean that i somehow conquered a bad habit or two and now i'm a paragon of virtue... no, i mean that my mindset is clearing, becoming cleansed of the negativity and cynicism i carried inside for so long. i pray it never comes back! it is miserable to live with your "own worst critic" CONSTANTLY. yes, we all criticize ourselves, but my inner critic was becoming the dominant voice in my mind. it constantly reminded me of how badly i do everything and how i have no self discipline, and no talent, and bad motivations.



i am relieved to rediscover me. somewhat crumpled (i love that word) but essentially the same. perhaps even new and improved... until the next update which i hope will not be so awkward and unpleasant.

wake up

my brain is waking up. i know that it's not really a "muscle" per se, and you don't literally "feed" your brain, but i feel like i'm both exercising it and nourishing it. every class, every new encounter, every thought - new, or merely recovered - makes my mind stretch a little further. yay.

five classes, and one performance lab, and stimulation from like and unalike minds, it's a rich feast - if you have the appetite. ;) i do. and that makes me feel so grateful. for the longest time, i felt completely incapable of learning anything. that ability was lost, i could not find it in me to enter anything new into my mind. it seemed like such a monumental effort just to get through a day. so adding "learning" into the picture again seemed too huge.

my only goal: i must do what's in front of me, and do it to the best of my ability.

and of course, that means i must not put any limitations on myself in regards to my ability!

hand in my pocket

I’m broke but I’m happy
I’m poor but I’m kind
I’m short but I’m healthy, yeah
I’m high but I’m grounded
I’m sane but I’m overwhelmed
I’m lost but I’m hopeful baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everthing’s gonna be fine fine fine
I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five

I feel drunk but I’m sober
I’m young and I’m underpaid
I’m tired but I’m working, yeah
I care but I’m restless
I’m here but I’m really gone
I’m wrong and I’m sorry baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything’s gonna be quite alright
I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other is flicking a cigarette

What is all comes down to
Is that I haven’t got it all figured out just yet
I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign

I’m free but I’m focused
I’m green but I’m wise
I’m hard but I’m friendly baby
I’m sad but I’m laughing
I’m brave but I’m chicken shit
I’m sick but I’m pretty baby

What it all boils down to
Is that no one’s really got it figured out just yet
I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano

What it all comes down to my friends
Is that everything’s just fine fine fine
I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxi cab...

reaction

do you ever just get the urge to do something, simply for the reaction of others? i see it alot in myself. times when i sit in a crowded room, at a party or church, class or ... anywhere. maybe an opinion is expressed a the consensus in the group is for it, and even if i mostly agree - i want to disagree! or maybe you know someone and you feel very strongly attracted to them, but have no idea how they feel, there's this urge to do something extreme - positive or negative - just to get the reaction.

i like to see people's reactions to eachother too. couples are always fun, especially in social settings, seeing them observe eachother and remark on the other's behaviour. it's usually really cute, sometimes a little odd, but usually cute.

i'm getting reintegrated into FHU culture... alot of that means getting used to being around peers again, as well as some quite younger than me. it means observing others who are learning how to define themselves and learning who they like to associate with. then there's always the coupling and uncoupling drama. i forgot the mindset here of - as soon as you date someone, people look for an engagement ring. never used to bother me, now i'm like - take your time peoples!!!

hmm. so it's saturday night in my little room, and i'm going to put red to bed. church in the morning. that makes me happy - worhip at jack's creek and seeing my friends there... reasons why sunday is my favorite day of the week

HRH 208

morning in my little dorm room. i have a corner room, and that means the sun is shining through two windows, not one. i put up the mosquito netting mom got me from zims, very british colonial if i do say so myself. ;)

this is the second day of classes at Freed. the second round of syllabi and speeches about grading and absences from our instructors. all i can say is, yay! i'm such a dork. right now, i'm even enjoying eating a meal a day in the infamous gano - of course, we now have a master chef and his team to make everything look pretty. even taste good sometimes.

looks like i'll be auditioning for "a winter's tale", which makes me happy! other than that though, i'll be keeping my head in the books, and hopefully a work study job. i'm loving being able to see my uncle, cousin, and brothers almost every day plus all sorts of friends... i hope i can remind myself that these are good things when i get stressed through the semester.

so far, it looks like i'm going to really enjoy my intercultural communications class, and i'm excited to be taking christian evidences with dr. lipe. it'll be a challenge, but i'm excited. chris is going to be in that class too.

well, gotta finish getting ready.

to thee our dearest...

FHU...
Okay, so I'm finally getting excited about going back to Freed. I got my final OK from the board of admissions, and I'm leaving on Saturday. It's a ten hour trek to TN, but I'll be breaking it up with an overnight stay with my Grandpa and his wife in Dyersburg. Church with them in the morning, and then a little less than two hours to Henderson. Yay! I'll be at Jack's Creek for church that night. I'm sooo excited.

Thank you Lord!! ;)

if i had ...

twelve bucks:
http://exlibrisanonymous.com/

define it

over the holidays, victoria's secret aired their usual soft-porn holiday ads. i think it's so weird to see these women parading down a snowy street in lingerie - ack. but anyway, the line they used this year irritated me, caused me to think a bit. it went something like,
" give me everything i want, and nothing i need..."

AAAAAAH!

no no no. i do not like that idea at all. why? well, sure it's nice to get things you want, and to be spoiled without reason. but to see these sexed up emaciated females dressed in the next to nothings that are simply designed for men, say these things... it was so awful. why?

--first of all, these images are totally about women selling their bodies, not anything else, to men. yes, i love victoria's secret underwear. they have pretty stuff in there that when i was married ... it was very nice to have. but! the main audience that their ad campaigns shoot for is not the married/monogamous public. it's single women, and men that are willing to spend ridiculous amounts of money on something momentary and completely physical. something selfish.

-- sex is not about being selfish! and in the right context it is SO MUCH MORE than the physical. God created this beautiful act for connection - one soul to another. and, it's a necessary part of marriage, any one in a healthy marriage will tell you that. it's not *just* about what i want, it's about giving the person i love what he needs, and is worthy of.

-- if, as a single woman, the first thing you do is ask only for what you want, and only advertise for what you want, it'll be great for a while but honey, expect it all to cave in someday. if your needs aren't met, if the man you chose to favor looks hot but can't see YOU, and who you are and wants to do nothing more than sleep with you and show you off, then you will end up miserable and empty. simple as that.

so, "give me everything i need, (first), and nothing i want (until later)"

okay, so i would never be a very good advertising consultant, but at least i'd be happy. well, that's my rant for the day... it's been building a while. see, my definitions have changed, and i hope they've changed because i choose to see the world, and all its relationships through God's eyes - to see things as He intended them to be. so, to tack on to another of victoria's tag lines, "what is sexy?"

-- sexy is honesty
-- sexy is a godly man or woman
-- sexy is unconditional love
-- sexy is being able to express faith
-- sexy is pursuing righteousness
-- sexy is honoring your wife or husband, boyfriend or girlfriend

... of course we won't get into why i think "sexy" is a term best used only by married people, because, i just used it. ;)

clark gable

I was waiting for a cross-town train in the London underground when it struck me
That I've been waiting since birth to find a love that would look and sound like a movie
So I changed my plans and rented a camera and a van and then I called you
"I need you to pretend that we are in love again" and you agreed to

I want so badly to believe that "there is truth, that love is real"
And I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd

I greased the lens and framed the shot using a friend as my stand-in
The script it called for rain but it was clear that day so we faked it
The marker snapped and I yelled "quiet on the set" and then called "action!"
And I kissed you in a style that Clark Gable would have admired (I thought it classic)

I want so badly to believe that "there is truth, that love is real"
And I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd

I know you're wise beyond your years, but do you ever get the fear
That your perfect verse is just a lie you tell yourself to help you get by?

(by postal service)

tea time

the electric kettle rumbles to a dull roar and clicks of... i flip my book shut, and go attend to its call. now, to make a good pot of tea, you have to start with a good tea pot, boiled water, and good tea. fortunately at our house we have all three! i dump out the hot water that's been warming the tea pot - we're using the big one right now - and pour the steaming water from the kettle in. next comes the loose tea - five roses brand from south africa, THE best - three spoonfuls. you have to stir the leaves in thoroughly. mmm. i love the smell of tea!

and then i let it steep. mom is VERY particular about doing this until her tea is the perfect shade of carmel brown when poured into a cup with a little milk. and if you don't wait until it's "steep", then you will have to pour her tea out and wait til it is! very particular.

i love my mom. i love tea. i love our home. what a wonderful family i have!

treadmill

i hate that word... but as i was using it today, i noticed myself actually enjoying my sweaty unglamorous exercise time. maybe someday i will even understand you crazy people who enjoy working out!

this treadmill was dad and mom's xmas present to eachother... it's still new and shiny, and has a sticker on it that says: Quiet! Responsive! Powerful! i think that this should also be a description of my ideal man. heh.

just kidding. it made me giggle though.

renoir

I've had a print of "the luncheon of the boating party" by renoir since i was 16 years old. i bought it for five dollars at walmart... this print came framed and travelled with me to college, to my first apartment, to italy, and back to kansas. today, i broke to glass on the frame whilst lifting an unwieldy box of china. i laughed until i cried.

it's not that renoir is my favorite of all artists... i prefer chagall, or van gogh or matisse... but anywho. the thing is, it was my first "art". it had a frame, and it was a print of a painting, and it wasn't a poster of jonathan brandis! the other cool thing is, that painting is in one of my favoritest films - amelie. there are all sorts of little connections to it now, things i've noticed or thought about... i can see it sitting on top of my desk at school, and on the floor in the jack's creek house... and unpacking it in italy. it's signifigance grew over time, as i understood it better. i didn't really know that much about what i liked at when i bought it, or what made a good painting, but i fell in love with that print... it was "my" renoir. i knew the name, i knew that painting, which caused me to go find more of his paintings...and in the process, i fell in love with all sorts of other artwork.

the print itself is still good... but the magic is kinda gone. maybe it's time for me to buy a real painting now.

oh wait, i'm a broke student. i think i'll just visit a gallery, and find more paintings to love. ;)

prayer

"Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love,
Where there is injury, pardon
Where there is doubt, faith,
Where there is despair, hope,
Where there is darkness, light,
Where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much
seek to be consoled as to console,
not so much to be understood as to understand,
not so much to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we recieve,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
it is in dying that we awake to eternal life."
- St. Francis of Assisi

-- my prayer for this year: to become more aware of who I am as God's child, and what I need to do in order to serve Him. May our Creator and Savior bless you as you enter this New Year.