whitney

it's my friend whitney's birthday. this will be the... 5th birthday she's had since i've known her. thanks for all the long aimless nights of tea, chocolate and wonderful thoughts. all the times you've made me laugh when i was taking myself far too seriously. and all the love and you spend on everyone, and the things you've taught me. i love you whit.

pay attention

"to pay attention, this is our endless and proper work." ~mary oliver

the past few days have been tense. school is winding down (or is it up?), and we definitely are wound up for the play. tomorrow is opening night. there are crazy scribbly butterflies in my stomach when i think too much about it. which is actually, really fantastic. the last play i was in, i despaired at the lack of nervousness i had. i was like a stone, i had rocks in my stomach not flurrious (hehe) flutterbies.

due to the nature of the theatre program here, and our lack of faculty, growth is really something you struggle for and carve out on your own at times. my performance level during rehearsals has been low key and muted. tonight i really need to push things in order to be READY for tomorrow. i know the lines, i know the role, and i just need to remember what is at stake for my character, and delight in the beauty of the lines spoken.

so much of what you do onstage is about paying attention. if you're not focused, you will miss so much, and getting lost is not pretty.

broccoli

i found this book at season's coffeeshop tonight after our scrumptious japanese meal. i want it.

passage

i've always attibuted my habit of marking the passage of time to the mitchell side of my genes. from a young age, i remember my granpa mitchell saying, "and what were you doing one year ago today?" or on birthdays it would be, "where were you on this day -- years ago?"

it's stuck.

a strong awareness of where i am, where i've been and what i've done has been fostered in me by many. i place a great value on memories created over the span of my life, some wonderful, some very simple and some incredibly sad. i think part of "growing up" for me has been realizing that i play a role in creating those memories, and that what i do and say impacts others' memories. we say no one will remember us historically, we'll never be written up in text books to be memorized and then forgotten by hundreds of highschoolers. but, someone will remember you, will remember me.

sometimes it surprises me who remembers me, and what they remember about me. sometimes it's struck me pleasantly, the other person's memory of me is an image i like to project, or a trait i prize... sometimes, however endearingly or politely expressed, i wonder if i did myself justice in the actions that created that impression. i've always been very image-concious, sometimes to the point of social anxiety, and it's usually at those times that i am not memorable or remembered as someone i'm not.

as i end this first semester back at FHU, i am anticipating the feeling of satisfaction. i have not done everything perfectly, but i have done the things in front of me. nothing is incomplete, i put effort into everything. my classes, my commitments, and my spiritual life have been honored. the student center breakfast, worship at jack's creek, rehearsals with the winter's tale cast, being with my family here... God has blessed me with inumerable good memories to fill my heart as i mark the passage of time.

tripod

ah, love and marriage in my generation. =P

pink

after my last blog comment i was reminiscing. i would love to have pink hair. i know, i'm silly.

2000

ever look at an old photo and think, "wow, that was me?"

plunk street

i have a house!!

well, to rent anyway. and i'm soooo excited! and relieved. it's getting to be that crazy time of the semester when all i can think about is school and the play... so i didn't want to worry anymore about where i was going to live after finals.

and in other news...

last week i was very klutsy and fell off of a plinth (yes, a plinth) on set, and tripped over stairs in the rain, and now feel very sore and bruised.

tomorrow i will teach an "ESL" lesson in Intercultural Comm. class to Mark Blackwelder. i'm going to teach him how to do a theatre vocal warm-up. hehehe.

my brother chris is amazing! for further details... come see "a winter's tale" or ask him about his new job at red walnut church.

my brother ian is amazing! he's getting a scholarship in the english dept. and is taking upper level courses his freshman/sophomore years.

and... that's all i have for now folks. love and freshly folded laundry.

final decree

according to the dallas county court, my divorce was finalized on March 31, 2006. i recieved the final decree in the mail today. i can't go to classes today. i just can't.

cooking

i love to cook. it's really becoming a bit of a creative outlet for me - or at least a stress relief that is healthy and useful. i've taken to making meals downstairs in the dorm kitchen. mostly pastas and yummy sauces, with lots of fresh ingredients... and the rule is to share it. if i make food i have to share it with someone in the dorm. people seem to be getting used to seeing me in there, and smelling the garlic and onion... or whatever.

my friend laura often posts really great pictures of the food she and john make and it's very inspiring. they're always trying something unique, and very tasty too. i'm looking forward to having a kitchen of my own again, and a place where i can grow some herbs and vegetables too.

the best part of making food, for me, is that you can share it and share the process of making it with anyone. it draws people together and in the process, friends not only feed their bodies but eachother's souls.

don't lie

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry
Hey, baby my nose is getting big
I noticed it be growing when I been telling them fibs
Now you say your trust's getting weaker
Probably coz my lies just started getting deeper
And the reason for my confession is that I learned my lesson
And I really think you ought to know the truth
Because I lied and I cheated and I lied a little more
But after I did it I don't know what I did it for
I admit that I have been a little immature
Messing with your heart like I was the predator
In my book of lies I was the editor
And the author
I forged my signature
And now I apologise for what I did to you
Cos what you did to me I did to you

No,no, no, no baby, no, no, no, no don't lie
No, no, no, no, yeah, you know, know, know, know, you gotta try
What you gonna do when it all comes out
When I really see you & what you're all about

No, no, no baby, no, no, no, no don't lie
Yeah, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you gotta try

She said I'm leaving
Cos she can't take the pain
It's hard to continue this love it ain't the same
Can't forget the things that I've done inside her brain
Too many lies committed too many games
She feeling like a fool getting on the last train
Trying to maintain but the feeling won't change
I'm sorry for the things that I've done and what I became
Caught up in living my life in the fast lane
Blinded by lights, cameras, you know the fame
I don't know the reason why I did these things

And I lie and I lie and I lie and I lie
And now our emotions are drained
Cos I lie and I lie and a little lie lie
And now your emotions are drained

No, no, no, no baby, no, no, no, no don't lie (no, don't you lie)
No, no, no, no, yeah, you know, know, know, know, you gotta try (got to try, got to try)
What you gonna do when it all comes out (what you gonna do baby)
When I really see you & what you're all about
Nonono babe, no, no, no, no don't lie
Because you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, gotta try

Yo, I'm lying to my girl
Even though I love her
And she all in my world
I give her all my attention and diamonds & pearls
She's the one who makes me feel on top of the world
Still I lie to my girl, I do it


And I lie and I lie and I lie till there's no turning back
I don't know why, (and I lie and I lie till I don't know who I am)



--BEP, Monkey Business