it's the scottish word for the last day of the year
i should invent some sort of pagan rite
wait... i bet there already is
http://www.hogmanay.net/
12.31.2005
the reason i'm not a poet
people are never the villians we make them out to be
angels are never as pure as they seem
the farther away you are
the more i seem like you
and the more i hate extremes
i threw away your pictures
but you'll always be in my mind
the farther away you are
the more i see you
and the more i feel nothing
i can't erase you
so i will keep you
sitting on the kitchen sink with my
wedding ring
and if you slip down the drain i'll...
call an exorcist
angels are never as pure as they seem
the farther away you are
the more i seem like you
and the more i hate extremes
i threw away your pictures
but you'll always be in my mind
the farther away you are
the more i see you
and the more i feel nothing
i can't erase you
so i will keep you
sitting on the kitchen sink with my
wedding ring
and if you slip down the drain i'll...
call an exorcist
12.24.2005
12.23.2005
cute overload
seriously... http://cuteoverload.com/
thanks to whit for another brilliant way to waste time ;P
i just bought chocolate brown sheets and a jade green sweater... my merry xmas from granma!! yay.
thanks to whit for another brilliant way to waste time ;P
i just bought chocolate brown sheets and a jade green sweater... my merry xmas from granma!! yay.
12.22.2005
diamonds on the soles of her shoes
by Paul Simon, one of my absolute favorite songs...
(a-wa) O kod wa u zo-nge li-sa namhlange
(a-wa a-wa) Si-bona kwenze ka kanjani
(a-wa a-wa) Amanto mbazane ayeza
She’s a rich girl
She don’t try to hide it
Diamonds on the soles of her shoes
He’s a poor boy
Empty as a pocket
Empty as a pocket with nothing to lose
Sing Ta na na
Ta na na na
She got diamonds on the soles of her shoes
She got diamonds on the soles of her shoes
Diamonds on the soles of her shoes
Diamonds on the soles of her shoes
People say she’s crazy
She’s got diamonds on the soles of her shoes
Well that’s one way to lose these
Walking blues
Diamonds on the soles of her shoes
She was physically forgotten
Then she slipped into my pocket
With my car keys
She said you’ve taken me for granted
Because I please you
Wearing these diamonds
And I could say Oo oo oo
As if everybody knows
What I’m talking about
As if everybody here would know
Exactly what I was talking about
Talking about diamonds on the soles of her shoes
She makes the sign of a teaspoon
He makes the sign of a wave
The poor boy changes clothes
And puts on after-shave
To compensate for his ordinary shoes
And she said honey take me dancing
But they ended up by sleeping
In a doorway
By the bodegas and the lights on Upper Broadway
Wearing diamonds on the soles of their shoes
And I could say Oo oo oo
And everybody here would know
What I was talking about
I mean everybody here would know exactly
What I was talking about
Talking about diamonds
People say I’m crazyI got diamonds on the soles of my shoes
Well that’s one way to lose
These walking blues
Diamonds on the soles of your shoes
(a-wa) O kod wa u zo-nge li-sa namhlange
(a-wa a-wa) Si-bona kwenze ka kanjani
(a-wa a-wa) Amanto mbazane ayeza
She’s a rich girl
She don’t try to hide it
Diamonds on the soles of her shoes
He’s a poor boy
Empty as a pocket
Empty as a pocket with nothing to lose
Sing Ta na na
Ta na na na
She got diamonds on the soles of her shoes
She got diamonds on the soles of her shoes
Diamonds on the soles of her shoes
Diamonds on the soles of her shoes
People say she’s crazy
She’s got diamonds on the soles of her shoes
Well that’s one way to lose these
Walking blues
Diamonds on the soles of her shoes
She was physically forgotten
Then she slipped into my pocket
With my car keys
She said you’ve taken me for granted
Because I please you
Wearing these diamonds
And I could say Oo oo oo
As if everybody knows
What I’m talking about
As if everybody here would know
Exactly what I was talking about
Talking about diamonds on the soles of her shoes
She makes the sign of a teaspoon
He makes the sign of a wave
The poor boy changes clothes
And puts on after-shave
To compensate for his ordinary shoes
And she said honey take me dancing
But they ended up by sleeping
In a doorway
By the bodegas and the lights on Upper Broadway
Wearing diamonds on the soles of their shoes
And I could say Oo oo oo
And everybody here would know
What I was talking about
I mean everybody here would know exactly
What I was talking about
Talking about diamonds
People say I’m crazyI got diamonds on the soles of my shoes
Well that’s one way to lose
These walking blues
Diamonds on the soles of your shoes
12.21.2005
random
things i'm thinking about right now:
http://wiki.ehow.com/Apply-Corpsepaint
http://www.miramax.com/bride/
http://www.jackjohnsonmusic.com/
http://www.fhu.edu/
http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.do?product_id=2625036
... i'll be in room 208, Hall Roland kiddos... yay! i'm goin' back to Freed!!
http://wiki.ehow.com/Apply-Corpsepaint
http://www.miramax.com/bride/
http://www.jackjohnsonmusic.com/
http://www.fhu.edu/
http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.do?product_id=2625036
... i'll be in room 208, Hall Roland kiddos... yay! i'm goin' back to Freed!!
12.20.2005
narnia
ever looked back at something in your life, and marvelled at your own stupidity? i have. i'm thinking of those times when things are good because you're doing right, and you look back to a time when you weren't, and are stunned at how blind your were. it's the magpie thing for me... something is shiny, something is pretty, and so i trade up all sorts of good steady true things for the shiny that will make me happy - momentarily. eventually the shine dims, and whatever's underneath comes out, or that thing you held so dear simply crumbles in your hands.
so why do we throw the good stuff away?
in narnia, edmond went for the turkish delight, the hot cocoa, the fur lined throne, and the queen - he wanted to easy way, and he wanted to be fawned over. i love edmond for the lesson he learns and for the grace that is shown him by Aslan ... last night i FINALLY watched the lion the witch and the wardrobe - and am in love all over again with the beauty and clarity with which CS Lewis tells the story. i don't think i stopped tearing up from five minutes in to the movie. what gets to me at this moment the most, is how the children are reminded of how we ought to treat eachother as family... Aslan said that edmonds betrayal was worse because he betrayed his family... and i see me in that, i see us.
as a christian, how often am i seduced by turkish delight? how often do i climb into the witch's sled in order to feel "special". it is attractive, it is seductive, but eventually the ice melts, and the misery of trading your will for one set on power, on anger and on the temporary, shows through. i know the feeling. i have been drawn towards the appearance of evil. there are valuable events in my life, moments i will never recapture, that are marred by my own selfishness and sin. instead of treasuring the gifts i have in Christ, the family and the confidence in Him, i have traded it in for days and nights where i did my own will, sought my own pleasure, and they were all too short, they ended in misery and loss. and then i looked up, and He - that great lion - was there to take my place and be the sacrifice, bearing the consequence of my foolish actions.
and i guarantee, there will still be times to come, where edmond and i will identify, and marvel at the grace of our Savior. until then, i am in awe and praise Him for the things He has done that are beyond my imagination. really deep magic.
so why do we throw the good stuff away?
in narnia, edmond went for the turkish delight, the hot cocoa, the fur lined throne, and the queen - he wanted to easy way, and he wanted to be fawned over. i love edmond for the lesson he learns and for the grace that is shown him by Aslan ... last night i FINALLY watched the lion the witch and the wardrobe - and am in love all over again with the beauty and clarity with which CS Lewis tells the story. i don't think i stopped tearing up from five minutes in to the movie. what gets to me at this moment the most, is how the children are reminded of how we ought to treat eachother as family... Aslan said that edmonds betrayal was worse because he betrayed his family... and i see me in that, i see us.
as a christian, how often am i seduced by turkish delight? how often do i climb into the witch's sled in order to feel "special". it is attractive, it is seductive, but eventually the ice melts, and the misery of trading your will for one set on power, on anger and on the temporary, shows through. i know the feeling. i have been drawn towards the appearance of evil. there are valuable events in my life, moments i will never recapture, that are marred by my own selfishness and sin. instead of treasuring the gifts i have in Christ, the family and the confidence in Him, i have traded it in for days and nights where i did my own will, sought my own pleasure, and they were all too short, they ended in misery and loss. and then i looked up, and He - that great lion - was there to take my place and be the sacrifice, bearing the consequence of my foolish actions.
and i guarantee, there will still be times to come, where edmond and i will identify, and marvel at the grace of our Savior. until then, i am in awe and praise Him for the things He has done that are beyond my imagination. really deep magic.
12.17.2005
stories
i love them.
the past couple of years, i've thought alot about what it is that makes someone "creative". what is it that causes a person to MAKE things, or to express and communicate in order to share and inspire. or maybe just because they HAVE to...
and i've never, ever considered myself really one of those artistic people i so love to spend time with and befriend. i consider myself lucky to know them personally, and be allowed to share in their enthusiasm for whatever their craft(s) may be.
but then there are stories. this i understand. everyone has one, or two. some of us seem entirely composed of them, some don't seem to know they have 'em. when i say story, i mean the personal ones, the ones you share over a cup of coffee in a busy bookstore where no one knows you but the friend across the table. or the story you tell to dear friends in order for them to see something Greater than yourself ... the stories that explain YOU. and i don't mean an autobiography endorsed by oprah either.
i mean the ones with nasty grit, and undeniable truth, the ones that make you blush or grin - commiserate or finally connect. these are the tales you tell yourself over and over, and the myths of self-perception you share with others. in telling these stories, you see yourself, and allow someone else in, if it be only for a moment. maybe we do this out of desperation, a final act of honesty. maybe we tell because we hunger for love and attention. maybe our stories aren't always exactly true, but their what we saw and felt at the time, and looking back and naming it is the only way you can move forward.
stories represent so much for me. i love reading a good story, or hearing it told... it the relation behind it that gets me. as a child, i moved from place to place and at times withdrew because making the connections and telling the stories took time, and hurt too much. i wanted not only to be connected to others but i craved acceptance from my peers. now, i tell stories on myself anytime someone asks a simple question.
why is your last name different from you family's?
- because once upon a time, i was married to a soldier...
where are you from?
- well, that's a long story...
how do you feel?
- ok, but i had the longest day...
how many stories do you tell a day?
the past couple of years, i've thought alot about what it is that makes someone "creative". what is it that causes a person to MAKE things, or to express and communicate in order to share and inspire. or maybe just because they HAVE to...
and i've never, ever considered myself really one of those artistic people i so love to spend time with and befriend. i consider myself lucky to know them personally, and be allowed to share in their enthusiasm for whatever their craft(s) may be.
but then there are stories. this i understand. everyone has one, or two. some of us seem entirely composed of them, some don't seem to know they have 'em. when i say story, i mean the personal ones, the ones you share over a cup of coffee in a busy bookstore where no one knows you but the friend across the table. or the story you tell to dear friends in order for them to see something Greater than yourself ... the stories that explain YOU. and i don't mean an autobiography endorsed by oprah either.
i mean the ones with nasty grit, and undeniable truth, the ones that make you blush or grin - commiserate or finally connect. these are the tales you tell yourself over and over, and the myths of self-perception you share with others. in telling these stories, you see yourself, and allow someone else in, if it be only for a moment. maybe we do this out of desperation, a final act of honesty. maybe we tell because we hunger for love and attention. maybe our stories aren't always exactly true, but their what we saw and felt at the time, and looking back and naming it is the only way you can move forward.
stories represent so much for me. i love reading a good story, or hearing it told... it the relation behind it that gets me. as a child, i moved from place to place and at times withdrew because making the connections and telling the stories took time, and hurt too much. i wanted not only to be connected to others but i craved acceptance from my peers. now, i tell stories on myself anytime someone asks a simple question.
why is your last name different from you family's?
- because once upon a time, i was married to a soldier...
where are you from?
- well, that's a long story...
how do you feel?
- ok, but i had the longest day...
how many stories do you tell a day?
12.14.2005
sappy
- Sabrina
- You've Got Mail
- Return to Me
- Breakfast at Tiffany's
- Sleepless In Seattle
- Sweet Home Alabama
- Miracle on 34th Street
- It's a Wonderful Life
- An Affair to Remember
- Pride and Prejudice (any stripe)
- While You Were Sleeping
'tis the season for hot chocolate and sappy, gooey movies.
- You've Got Mail
- Return to Me
- Breakfast at Tiffany's
- Sleepless In Seattle
- Sweet Home Alabama
- Miracle on 34th Street
- It's a Wonderful Life
- An Affair to Remember
- Pride and Prejudice (any stripe)
- While You Were Sleeping
'tis the season for hot chocolate and sappy, gooey movies.
4 am
this is my evil hour. the past three weeks, i've woken up at least once a week at this time. there's nothing to do but get up and get going when it's four in the morning and you can't sleep! what do you do at four am? check email... no one's written since last night at 10pm... hmm, fancy that. sign on to your IM, strange, no one's there. oh, or shop for random things you always think about but never buy... and besides which, there are no stores open for you to call and compare prices with either.
sleepy, but can't sleep.
cold too, that "i just woke up" cold of early mornings. and i'm hungry so i heated up some leftover shepherds pie, mmm. goood breakfast. with water. brewing some coffee. thinking about working out with my exercise ball...
oh! i made my first ten-pound goal! now only 99 million more to go.
no, not really. =) i love the energy i've been feeling lately, and know it's due to (in part;) actually living healthier. the energy and mental ability seem much easier to come by lately, i really think that's because i am in a more positive state of mind than i've been in for four years. i pray that it will remain, and increase...
brrr! ok, time to move. work at 7:30am, and someone to train.
sleepy, but can't sleep.
cold too, that "i just woke up" cold of early mornings. and i'm hungry so i heated up some leftover shepherds pie, mmm. goood breakfast. with water. brewing some coffee. thinking about working out with my exercise ball...
oh! i made my first ten-pound goal! now only 99 million more to go.
no, not really. =) i love the energy i've been feeling lately, and know it's due to (in part;) actually living healthier. the energy and mental ability seem much easier to come by lately, i really think that's because i am in a more positive state of mind than i've been in for four years. i pray that it will remain, and increase...
brrr! ok, time to move. work at 7:30am, and someone to train.
12.09.2005
12.08.2005
seasons of love
--okay, if you have opinions about Rent the musical, that's okay, just read these lyrics and pretend they come from somewhere else:
COMPANY:
525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear.
525,600 minutes - how do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee.
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.
In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life?
How about love? How about love? How about love?
Measure in love. Seasons of love.
SOLOIST 1:
525,600 minutes!
525,000 journeys to plan. 525,600 minutes
- how can you measure the life of a woman or man?
SOLOIST 2:
In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried.
In bridges he burned, or the way that she died.
COMPANY:
It's time now to sing out,
tho the story never ends let's celebrate remember a year in the life of friends.
Remember the love! Remember the love! Remember the love!
Measure in love. Seasons of love! Seasons of love.
okay, it sounds beter when it's sung, but the thought is beautiful. if you liked that, go check out the lyrics to "without you", or "i'll cover you"...
*525,600 minutes = 1 year ;)
COMPANY:
525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear.
525,600 minutes - how do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee.
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.
In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life?
How about love? How about love? How about love?
Measure in love. Seasons of love.
SOLOIST 1:
525,600 minutes!
525,000 journeys to plan. 525,600 minutes
- how can you measure the life of a woman or man?
SOLOIST 2:
In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried.
In bridges he burned, or the way that she died.
COMPANY:
It's time now to sing out,
tho the story never ends let's celebrate remember a year in the life of friends.
Remember the love! Remember the love! Remember the love!
Measure in love. Seasons of love! Seasons of love.
okay, it sounds beter when it's sung, but the thought is beautiful. if you liked that, go check out the lyrics to "without you", or "i'll cover you"...
*525,600 minutes = 1 year ;)
12.06.2005
happy?
happy!
I found it again, it's sooo great, I love this feeling! Woo hoo!
Seriously though, I am one blessed human being and I am amazed by God' love for me... and His ability to put wonderful people in my life at just the right time. His timing is perfect. I am so well provided for and completely loved.
happy december everyone.
I found it again, it's sooo great, I love this feeling! Woo hoo!
Seriously though, I am one blessed human being and I am amazed by God' love for me... and His ability to put wonderful people in my life at just the right time. His timing is perfect. I am so well provided for and completely loved.
happy december everyone.
12.04.2005
delight
Do not fret because of evil
men
or be envious of those who
do wrong;
for like the grass they will
soon wither,
like the green plants they will
soon die away.
Trust in the Lord and do
good;
dwell in the land and
enjoy safe pasture.
Delight yourself in the
Lord
and he will give you the
desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:1-4
men
or be envious of those who
do wrong;
for like the grass they will
soon wither,
like the green plants they will
soon die away.
Trust in the Lord and do
good;
dwell in the land and
enjoy safe pasture.
Delight yourself in the
Lord
and he will give you the
desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:1-4
11.24.2005
11.18.2005
brr
iitt's cco-old! must finally be winter in kansas. there was even a flurry of snow on the news the other day... it flew over wichita and hardly brushed us, but it was there! i love cold weather, and the holidays, and family ... my brothers are driving home from Tennessee today! They won't leave Freed until 2pm-ish, so they'll get here early in the morning really. I'm excited to see them, especially Ian, since this is his first break since the start of his Freshman year. =)
We're going to see Harry Potter tomorrow night, and go to the Coffee Club too. I love that we still do things together as siblings, someday we'll have families all our own to take care of, and won't get to do this.
I have an interview/application/test at T-Mobile's Call Center in Wichita on Tuesday. They pay oh, about 2-3 dollars an hour MORE than I'm being paid right now. Completed the phone interview last night, with all the questions about times when I've provided excellent customer service, and when I've dealt with irate customers, and why I think I'd be good for T-Mobile. Heh. We'll see. God has a plan, and it's bigger than me... I just keep trudging on.
That's what it feels like somedays. Trudge. Good word.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with Penney's ... I'm just not ready to let my job define me. And I don't want that job to be me. It's taught me alot, and helped me realize that I can achieve alot, and learn alot. However, I have no time to even sit down and do homework without wanting to just sleep! How am I supposed to have good grades when I don't have enough hours in the day?
brrr... I think I'm going to get some coffee now.
We're going to see Harry Potter tomorrow night, and go to the Coffee Club too. I love that we still do things together as siblings, someday we'll have families all our own to take care of, and won't get to do this.
I have an interview/application/test at T-Mobile's Call Center in Wichita on Tuesday. They pay oh, about 2-3 dollars an hour MORE than I'm being paid right now. Completed the phone interview last night, with all the questions about times when I've provided excellent customer service, and when I've dealt with irate customers, and why I think I'd be good for T-Mobile. Heh. We'll see. God has a plan, and it's bigger than me... I just keep trudging on.
That's what it feels like somedays. Trudge. Good word.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with Penney's ... I'm just not ready to let my job define me. And I don't want that job to be me. It's taught me alot, and helped me realize that I can achieve alot, and learn alot. However, I have no time to even sit down and do homework without wanting to just sleep! How am I supposed to have good grades when I don't have enough hours in the day?
brrr... I think I'm going to get some coffee now.
11.14.2005
quote of the day
Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it. - Ellen Goodman
11.11.2005
phil collins
If Leaving Me Is Easy
I read all the letters, I read each word that you've sent to me
And though it's past now, and the words start to fade
All the memories I have start, still remainI've kept all the pictures,
but I hide my feelings so no-one knows
Oh sure my friends all come round,
but I'm in a crowd on my own
It's 'cos you're gone now, but your heart, still remains
And it'll be here if you come again
You see, I'd heard the rumours, I knew before you let me know
But I didn't believe it, not you,
No you would not let me go
Seems I was wrong, but I love, I love you the same
And that's the one thing that you can't take away but just remember...
If leaving me is easy,
Going back is harder...
I read all the letters, I read each word that you've sent to me
And though it's past now, and the words start to fade
All the memories I have start, still remainI've kept all the pictures,
but I hide my feelings so no-one knows
Oh sure my friends all come round,
but I'm in a crowd on my own
It's 'cos you're gone now, but your heart, still remains
And it'll be here if you come again
You see, I'd heard the rumours, I knew before you let me know
But I didn't believe it, not you,
No you would not let me go
Seems I was wrong, but I love, I love you the same
And that's the one thing that you can't take away but just remember...
If leaving me is easy,
Going back is harder...
carmax
- interviewed me, it took 2 whole hours, gah.
but it helped me gain a little perspective as to the whole, should i move to wichita debate. the only way i'll go to wsu is if they can help me find a part time job/work study and can provide me housing on campus. picky aren't i?
option two is to work for my friend jamilah at her coffee shop part time, and go to southwestern with all those lovely loans. =)
option three is to run away to south america and become a drug lord.
but it helped me gain a little perspective as to the whole, should i move to wichita debate. the only way i'll go to wsu is if they can help me find a part time job/work study and can provide me housing on campus. picky aren't i?
option two is to work for my friend jamilah at her coffee shop part time, and go to southwestern with all those lovely loans. =)
option three is to run away to south america and become a drug lord.
11.10.2005
brian setzer
ok, so stating your goals in writing helps you achieve them, right? that's the theory i'm going with here:
goal one: get healthy
goal two: lose 60 lbs. - that's 10 lbs a month, i can do that, right? right?
goal three: balance work and school and manage to make monthly car payments...
ok, the third one is the one i'm going to have to tackle hard. right now, as much as i like penney's, it just isn't working. i am barely squeezing in study time for 4 classes at a glorified-highschool community college, my brain will EXPLODE if i combine penney's with full time real college.
they just don't pay me enough for the hours i work, or the stress i get as a lovely bonus as a supervisor. plus, i HAVE to work MWF in the mornings, and we all know that's when most real college classes are scheduled. ack.
but right now, i'm pleased with myself. i just finished a 30 minute workout, and am about to tackle sociology homework before going to wichita for a job interview. yay!
and as to brian setzer, i love psuedo swing music.
goal one: get healthy
goal two: lose 60 lbs. - that's 10 lbs a month, i can do that, right? right?
goal three: balance work and school and manage to make monthly car payments...
ok, the third one is the one i'm going to have to tackle hard. right now, as much as i like penney's, it just isn't working. i am barely squeezing in study time for 4 classes at a glorified-highschool community college, my brain will EXPLODE if i combine penney's with full time real college.
they just don't pay me enough for the hours i work, or the stress i get as a lovely bonus as a supervisor. plus, i HAVE to work MWF in the mornings, and we all know that's when most real college classes are scheduled. ack.
but right now, i'm pleased with myself. i just finished a 30 minute workout, and am about to tackle sociology homework before going to wichita for a job interview. yay!
and as to brian setzer, i love psuedo swing music.
10.21.2005
up
things are looking up again. not that much has changed other than the usual self-administered attitude change - oh, and the weather!! yay! it's fallish, i like fallish in kansas! cool weather makes me happy, it makes me think about cider and warm sweaters and long walks and ... Christmas! i feel like clapping my hands and giggling now.
work is about the same, busy and full of amusing little soap operas. we're gearing up for the xmas season, yay retail. not.
found out the other day that i will definitely be able to transfer to southwestern next semester and that's a relief. this business of community college would kill me if i had to attend another semester. lots of interesting people, and learning happens because a student chooses to apply herself, but i'm a snob... there's just an entirely different level of teaching and scholarship at a university or 4 year college. different people and different goals.
still enjoying my creative writing class though... and the stimulation is just good for me. i feel like my imagination is stretching and warming up for something big. that makes me happy.
i am longing for two things: a break, and companionship - a friend without the attachments of relationship/family pulling them away. i know that's selfish of me, you don't know what you have until it's gone sometimes. and, it takes time to build friendships, and even just to meet people.
"I wait for the Lord, my
soul waits,
and in his word I put my
hope.
My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait
for the morning,
more than watchmen wait
for the morning."
Psalm 130:5-6
work is about the same, busy and full of amusing little soap operas. we're gearing up for the xmas season, yay retail. not.
found out the other day that i will definitely be able to transfer to southwestern next semester and that's a relief. this business of community college would kill me if i had to attend another semester. lots of interesting people, and learning happens because a student chooses to apply herself, but i'm a snob... there's just an entirely different level of teaching and scholarship at a university or 4 year college. different people and different goals.
still enjoying my creative writing class though... and the stimulation is just good for me. i feel like my imagination is stretching and warming up for something big. that makes me happy.
i am longing for two things: a break, and companionship - a friend without the attachments of relationship/family pulling them away. i know that's selfish of me, you don't know what you have until it's gone sometimes. and, it takes time to build friendships, and even just to meet people.
"I wait for the Lord, my
soul waits,
and in his word I put my
hope.
My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait
for the morning,
more than watchmen wait
for the morning."
Psalm 130:5-6
10.10.2005
rat in a cage
why are there two sides to me? the outside and the inside. the inside is screaming tonight, asking questions, ranting and raving. why why why why? why do we have these amazing powerful feelings inside of us, these desires that can only be satisfied for brief moments? would it be better to not know that kind of joy at all? there are all these wants, and these fragments of hope that say, "there is something better!"
and then i cry.
and then i sleep.
and in the morning, i wake up and go to work, feed myself, clothe myself, make decisions that affect the "management" of "a necessary service" called "retail". how does this really help anyone? really? if jc penney's didn't exist, people would find jobs, and clothes at walmart, or dillards, or goodwill. this is not me. i am not my job. my job can't even afford me rent for my own place. not with car payments too.
i know, i know, already the tightness in my throat is less, my blood is cooling, reason comes in: just think where you were six months ago, just think where you'd be without a job that has given you some self esteem, and respect... but six months ago (believe it or not) i could look at the bright side too.
is life just a series of realizations, one misery to the next, one beautiful moment to the next? it is isn't it? life is waiting. ok, ok, where's the lifetime movie that says, "you can't just go on waiting for life to happen..." or, "carpe diem..." etc. etc.
this is my hour of discontent.
i'm restless again. the more often i find myself like this, the more i see that this is a shortcoming of mine. i worry about it. i wonder if it's a symptom of a greater disease.
despite all my rage, i am still just a rat in a cage...
ok, that just popped into my head.
lying in bed, trying to wind down, memories come to me in crystal clear technicolor. good things i may never have again, bad things i brought on myself, bad things others did to me, good things that are always out of reach.
then i hear mom shuffling around with her walker in the kitchen, trying to load the dishwasher. i grab the kleenex, pull on my robe, and chase her away from the sink and finish the job.
is that God answering me? yes, stefanie, you are useful, you're just where you need to be... it's all about choices, and you're making the safe ones.
and yet, i keep sabotaging myself. fear gets to me. or something. i procrastinate something fierce. even when i have all sorts of good reasons for getting things done. if i do the work in front of me, won't it just be replaced by something equally insurmountable and yet, honestly, all too easy?
i miss being young. i miss feeling like i have and exciting road ahead of me. i miss not knowing that bad things can happen to me. i guess i'm just in a bad mood.
we always know the truth down there somewhere. we're all looking for someone who understands. someone who knows, you know? i miss that. there's still a sliver of hope in me that says i'll find that someone again.
and then i cry.
and then i sleep.
and in the morning, i wake up and go to work, feed myself, clothe myself, make decisions that affect the "management" of "a necessary service" called "retail". how does this really help anyone? really? if jc penney's didn't exist, people would find jobs, and clothes at walmart, or dillards, or goodwill. this is not me. i am not my job. my job can't even afford me rent for my own place. not with car payments too.
i know, i know, already the tightness in my throat is less, my blood is cooling, reason comes in: just think where you were six months ago, just think where you'd be without a job that has given you some self esteem, and respect... but six months ago (believe it or not) i could look at the bright side too.
is life just a series of realizations, one misery to the next, one beautiful moment to the next? it is isn't it? life is waiting. ok, ok, where's the lifetime movie that says, "you can't just go on waiting for life to happen..." or, "carpe diem..." etc. etc.
this is my hour of discontent.
i'm restless again. the more often i find myself like this, the more i see that this is a shortcoming of mine. i worry about it. i wonder if it's a symptom of a greater disease.
despite all my rage, i am still just a rat in a cage...
ok, that just popped into my head.
lying in bed, trying to wind down, memories come to me in crystal clear technicolor. good things i may never have again, bad things i brought on myself, bad things others did to me, good things that are always out of reach.
then i hear mom shuffling around with her walker in the kitchen, trying to load the dishwasher. i grab the kleenex, pull on my robe, and chase her away from the sink and finish the job.
is that God answering me? yes, stefanie, you are useful, you're just where you need to be... it's all about choices, and you're making the safe ones.
and yet, i keep sabotaging myself. fear gets to me. or something. i procrastinate something fierce. even when i have all sorts of good reasons for getting things done. if i do the work in front of me, won't it just be replaced by something equally insurmountable and yet, honestly, all too easy?
i miss being young. i miss feeling like i have and exciting road ahead of me. i miss not knowing that bad things can happen to me. i guess i'm just in a bad mood.
we always know the truth down there somewhere. we're all looking for someone who understands. someone who knows, you know? i miss that. there's still a sliver of hope in me that says i'll find that someone again.
10.01.2005
audioslave
there's a song, i can't even tell you who sings it at the moment (too early in the morning) on my alternative station. hmmm... google will know...
Doesn't Remind Me - Audioslave
I walk the streets of Japan till I get lost
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
With a graveyard tan n'carrying a cross
It doesn't remind me of anything
I like studying faces in a parking lot
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like driving backwards in the fog
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
[Chorus]
The things that I've loved, things that I've lost
Things I've held sacred that I've dropped
I won't lie no more you can bet
I don't want to learn what I'll need to forget
I like gypsy moths and radio talk
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like gospel music and canned applause
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like colorful clothing in the sun
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like hammering nails, and speaking in tongues
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
[Chorus]
The things that I've loved, things that I've lost
Things I've held sacred that I've dropped
I won't lie no more you can bet
I don't want to learn what I'll need
Bend and shape me
I love the way you are
Slow and sweetly
Like never before
Calm and sleeping
We won't stir up the past
So descretely
We won't look back
[Chorus]
The things that I've loved, things that I've lost
Things I've held sacred that I've dropped
I won't lie no more you can bet
I don't want to learn what I'll need
I like throwing my voice and breaking guitars
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like playing in the sand what's mine is ours
If it doesn't remind me of anything
lately i feel like i'm rediscovering music. i feel like i missed out on a big chunk in the past 3 years. i forgot about audioslave, i love this song.
ps - my mom's recovering nicely from her knee replacement, should be home by sunday evening. we're so relieved everything went well.
Doesn't Remind Me - Audioslave
I walk the streets of Japan till I get lost
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
With a graveyard tan n'carrying a cross
It doesn't remind me of anything
I like studying faces in a parking lot
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like driving backwards in the fog
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
[Chorus]
The things that I've loved, things that I've lost
Things I've held sacred that I've dropped
I won't lie no more you can bet
I don't want to learn what I'll need to forget
I like gypsy moths and radio talk
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like gospel music and canned applause
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like colorful clothing in the sun
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like hammering nails, and speaking in tongues
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
[Chorus]
The things that I've loved, things that I've lost
Things I've held sacred that I've dropped
I won't lie no more you can bet
I don't want to learn what I'll need
Bend and shape me
I love the way you are
Slow and sweetly
Like never before
Calm and sleeping
We won't stir up the past
So descretely
We won't look back
[Chorus]
The things that I've loved, things that I've lost
Things I've held sacred that I've dropped
I won't lie no more you can bet
I don't want to learn what I'll need
I like throwing my voice and breaking guitars
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like playing in the sand what's mine is ours
If it doesn't remind me of anything
lately i feel like i'm rediscovering music. i feel like i missed out on a big chunk in the past 3 years. i forgot about audioslave, i love this song.
ps - my mom's recovering nicely from her knee replacement, should be home by sunday evening. we're so relieved everything went well.
9.24.2005
words
words can be so powerful... mom and i have gotten addicted to "lost". a friend loaned me the first season on dvd, and we're half way through it. so many of the characters memories (for those who don't know, the main characters have flashbacks to their lives before they were on the island) center on a phrase or a conversation that impacted their entire lives. some words have particular power... words like NEVER, ALWAYS, NO, YES, I LIED... i wonder what words you're thinking of right now that made you the person you are.
9.21.2005
non-apologies
i thought of warning you readers that my last post was kind of dark. i decided not to, because i can't apologize for who i am or what i write... i'm taking a creative writing class right now and, it's becoming a great outlet for me. i'm finally writing steadily -- which hasn't happened in like, a million zillion years. so, from time to time, there will be little exerpts from the deep dark creative mind of stefanie that are a little more polished than my sundry musings... feel free to comment because i'd love some feedback. i've never really written poetry before even though i love to read it. my first fumbling attempts were in my american lit class last year under dr mac (one of my favoritest people) and so i've been playing with it ever since. mainly, it's just a good feeling of relief to be able to WRITE.
not deep enough
The bed is deep
I burrow under the covers,
making a rut.
I nestle my head into a pillow
and try to forget.
The bed is deep
sucking me in
to unfinished dreams and
layers of guilty sleep
where I try not to remember
The bed is deep,
but I still remember
the night you ran off in a
stormy anger and
I
devastated,
swallowed the
whole
bottle
Of Perkaset from your last visit
to the dentist,
I chased it with a glass of wine
and let the tears stream
as I picked up the phone
to call for help
They tied me down as they
pumped
my
stomach,
full of black oozing charcoal--
the little Italian nurse held my hand
and smiled
And when you showed up at the
hospital,
(the next day)
The bed was not deep enough.
It wasn’t deep enough to hide me from you.
I burrow under the covers,
making a rut.
I nestle my head into a pillow
and try to forget.
The bed is deep
sucking me in
to unfinished dreams and
layers of guilty sleep
where I try not to remember
The bed is deep,
but I still remember
the night you ran off in a
stormy anger and
I
devastated,
swallowed the
whole
bottle
Of Perkaset from your last visit
to the dentist,
I chased it with a glass of wine
and let the tears stream
as I picked up the phone
to call for help
They tied me down as they
pumped
my
stomach,
full of black oozing charcoal--
the little Italian nurse held my hand
and smiled
And when you showed up at the
hospital,
(the next day)
The bed was not deep enough.
It wasn’t deep enough to hide me from you.
9.18.2005
negligent of late
well, school has kicked in, and so has my promotion to supervisor at work... needless to say, i've been a little busy. which is good. but i'm soooo tired! i really am enjoying the work right now, however i'm concerned at the moment that i won't be able to maintain this pace when i head to southwestern next semester. at the moment my courses are evening ones, and online gen. eds... manageable with a full time schedule.
hard to say what will happen next this year... i'm very bad at focusing to much on that i'm afraid. at the same time though, if we didn't look ahead, we wouldn't have reason to keep going.
hard to say what will happen next this year... i'm very bad at focusing to much on that i'm afraid. at the same time though, if we didn't look ahead, we wouldn't have reason to keep going.
8.24.2005
i love cake
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/comforteagle
i rediscovered this today, whoever did it rocks.
i rediscovered this today, whoever did it rocks.
8.19.2005
open
is there such a thing as being too open? i used to say to my husband that when you "opened your mind" to new things that not all new things are good things. i still think that's true. however, there's the other extreme too, where everything one is exposed to goes through so many filters that the impact of, whatever-it-is, is totally lost upon the reciever.
i don't want to be sheltered. i want to make my own choices. i like to have all the facts in front of me. i like to know what others think.
but there are times, when all i want to do is find a cave and wait out the storm around me.
there are times, when i don't know what choices to make, or whether it really matters in the long run what others think.
i'd like to think i'm living my life alone. but the simple FACT is that i am not.
each moment is built on another, each hour of my existence is impacted by the thousands before it, and is unique to me. it is unique. it is not able to stand on its own. i am not alone. but i am.
open up your mind, but don't let the garbage fall in. don't let the poison course through your veins. wipe the blood off your hands lady macbeth... scrub it all out. power is meeted out to us in small portions for a reason.
don't let the garbage fall in, but don't go blind. be wise as serpents and harmless as doves. use your knowledge to build, not destroy. don't use your words as weapons. the words you speak can be daggers, or the tools to build a friendship.
the FACT is, i have large dreams, and a small life. each morning i wake up with the glamour of each dream lingering around my eyes. dreams are powerful, they can pull you into another world or push you back out into the real one.
open up your heart. you can get hurt, but you can also heal. you can hurt, but you can LOVE. sometimes the pain is worth it, and it will not last forever. i have to believe that. no moment stands alone, no injustice goes unseen forever... God is there always. love is somewhere always. love is not always pretty. sometimes it can be harsh and difficult. sometimes, your love will not be accepted and seen for what it is.
don't let the poison creep through your veins. don't let hate and anger dwell within you. they are ugly and destructive companions. they will bring you lower than you ever imagined you could be, and blind you to the good things. nothing is ever the same when you see it through a filter of mistrust and anger. resentment and selfish indignation will only get you so far, and by the time you get there you will be so EMPTY.
maybe it's just about making the right choices, opening yourself up to the right things, and knowing what you want. maybe it's simply a matter of opening your heart to what is good and right and letting God take control. maybe it's about sorting through the garbage the world hands you and learning discernment.
i don't want to be sheltered. i want to make my own choices. i like to have all the facts in front of me. i like to know what others think.
but there are times, when all i want to do is find a cave and wait out the storm around me.
there are times, when i don't know what choices to make, or whether it really matters in the long run what others think.
i'd like to think i'm living my life alone. but the simple FACT is that i am not.
each moment is built on another, each hour of my existence is impacted by the thousands before it, and is unique to me. it is unique. it is not able to stand on its own. i am not alone. but i am.
open up your mind, but don't let the garbage fall in. don't let the poison course through your veins. wipe the blood off your hands lady macbeth... scrub it all out. power is meeted out to us in small portions for a reason.
don't let the garbage fall in, but don't go blind. be wise as serpents and harmless as doves. use your knowledge to build, not destroy. don't use your words as weapons. the words you speak can be daggers, or the tools to build a friendship.
the FACT is, i have large dreams, and a small life. each morning i wake up with the glamour of each dream lingering around my eyes. dreams are powerful, they can pull you into another world or push you back out into the real one.
open up your heart. you can get hurt, but you can also heal. you can hurt, but you can LOVE. sometimes the pain is worth it, and it will not last forever. i have to believe that. no moment stands alone, no injustice goes unseen forever... God is there always. love is somewhere always. love is not always pretty. sometimes it can be harsh and difficult. sometimes, your love will not be accepted and seen for what it is.
don't let the poison creep through your veins. don't let hate and anger dwell within you. they are ugly and destructive companions. they will bring you lower than you ever imagined you could be, and blind you to the good things. nothing is ever the same when you see it through a filter of mistrust and anger. resentment and selfish indignation will only get you so far, and by the time you get there you will be so EMPTY.
maybe it's just about making the right choices, opening yourself up to the right things, and knowing what you want. maybe it's simply a matter of opening your heart to what is good and right and letting God take control. maybe it's about sorting through the garbage the world hands you and learning discernment.
8.18.2005
hello
as you can see from the last three posts, i finally figured out how to use hello to post pictures. yay me! now if i could just figure out how to get my pic on my profile...
today's my first day of class, i start with algebra, yuck. but, it is a means to an end and so i will trudge through it with as much diligence as i can muster. my boss is being very considerate in giving me a lighter schedule this week... but i hope i can maintain a few more hours that the 24 she gave me.
well, i think i'll go shower now. yay for evening classes and days off!!
today's my first day of class, i start with algebra, yuck. but, it is a means to an end and so i will trudge through it with as much diligence as i can muster. my boss is being very considerate in giving me a lighter schedule this week... but i hope i can maintain a few more hours that the 24 she gave me.
well, i think i'll go shower now. yay for evening classes and days off!!
8.16.2005
rut
tidying my room today... it's been quite messy for the last two weeks, clean laudry piled on the cedar chest and the bed unmade. there's a sort of hollow rubbed out in the sheet and blankets where i've fallen every night - a little rut.
i hate getting stuck in a rut, metaphorically speaking. even with this new job, and school starting up soon, i wonder how long it will be until i get stuck in some bad habit that keeps me from acheiving my goals. alot of the last couple years of my life were a big rut - more like the kind a dog makes when he's tied to a tree and keeps running around hoping to smell something new.
so far, now sign of a new rut, except in my bedsheets. but i intend to fix that today. =)
i hate getting stuck in a rut, metaphorically speaking. even with this new job, and school starting up soon, i wonder how long it will be until i get stuck in some bad habit that keeps me from acheiving my goals. alot of the last couple years of my life were a big rut - more like the kind a dog makes when he's tied to a tree and keeps running around hoping to smell something new.
so far, now sign of a new rut, except in my bedsheets. but i intend to fix that today. =)
8.11.2005
btw
i really appreciate comments on my blog... i'm not good at responding to them yet, but thank you to those who choose to say something back =) i've enjoyed it.
je pense que...
ok... don't ask me if that is gramatically correct. it's been five years since i took french, and little words and phrases jumble through my mind at astonishing speeds sometimes... so there's no guarantee that's right...
but i think that it says, "i think that..."
and it's been bouncing around in my head this morning. i've always wanted to be proficient in another language, but never had the patience to get there. i love words and how they're related. even words from two entirely different languages can have connections, historically and emotionally. certain words are attached to the heartstrings of a person... this is goofy, but i think of the disney movie "lilo and stitch", and how i was so moved by that fuzzy little blue thing saying, "lost". it brought tears up from deep down. how odd.
so "je pense..." that it's cool how english and french are connected in that word... "pense" to "pensive"... and of course pensive in english means thoughtful and a little more. more like hesitant, or brooding... and brooding seems tres french to me. =)
i would like to become a master of dialects, and accents and be able to simply slip into a character by picking a nationality. i think it's amazing how a simple mechanism like that, or a costume or prop, or a simple breathing technique and a phrase can transport an actor into another world. we have such power beneath these fragile bodies.
i'm taking general psychology this semester, and i'm eager to learn about that power of the mind... i've always been fascinated by stories of people who achieve great things against greater odds... maybe i'm just a big sap, but maybe it's also because i am awed by the potential we are all endowed with. potential... there's a word for another day.
my baby brother, and my now 21 year old brother are leaving for college in a week or so, accompanied by my parents. seeing ian get ready for his freshman year places me in a mental time warp that's not entirely unpleasant. it's hard not to be excited when you see him planning and dreaming about his first year at university. i think that, the only constant things in life are change and the Unchangeable - God. seeing these young men, my little brothers, cross into a life less shared by family, becoming adults is a reminder of that. and our love for eachother - a gift from the Unchangeable will remain.
but i think that it says, "i think that..."
and it's been bouncing around in my head this morning. i've always wanted to be proficient in another language, but never had the patience to get there. i love words and how they're related. even words from two entirely different languages can have connections, historically and emotionally. certain words are attached to the heartstrings of a person... this is goofy, but i think of the disney movie "lilo and stitch", and how i was so moved by that fuzzy little blue thing saying, "lost". it brought tears up from deep down. how odd.
so "je pense..." that it's cool how english and french are connected in that word... "pense" to "pensive"... and of course pensive in english means thoughtful and a little more. more like hesitant, or brooding... and brooding seems tres french to me. =)
i would like to become a master of dialects, and accents and be able to simply slip into a character by picking a nationality. i think it's amazing how a simple mechanism like that, or a costume or prop, or a simple breathing technique and a phrase can transport an actor into another world. we have such power beneath these fragile bodies.
i'm taking general psychology this semester, and i'm eager to learn about that power of the mind... i've always been fascinated by stories of people who achieve great things against greater odds... maybe i'm just a big sap, but maybe it's also because i am awed by the potential we are all endowed with. potential... there's a word for another day.
my baby brother, and my now 21 year old brother are leaving for college in a week or so, accompanied by my parents. seeing ian get ready for his freshman year places me in a mental time warp that's not entirely unpleasant. it's hard not to be excited when you see him planning and dreaming about his first year at university. i think that, the only constant things in life are change and the Unchangeable - God. seeing these young men, my little brothers, cross into a life less shared by family, becoming adults is a reminder of that. and our love for eachother - a gift from the Unchangeable will remain.
7.30.2005
internal dialogue
and furthermore...
i never ever ever said you were the bad guy
i never wanted to make you
the reason for my pain
if i ever wanted to do anything with you
it was just to
hold you
comfort you
love you
and build a home around
the little boy i saw inside your eyes
i never ever ever said you were the bad guy
i never wanted to make you
the reason for my pain
if i ever wanted to do anything with you
it was just to
hold you
comfort you
love you
and build a home around
the little boy i saw inside your eyes
men without chests
"And all the time—such is the tragi-comedy of our situation—we continue to clamour for those very qualities we are rendering impossible. You can hardly open a periodical without coming across the statement that what our civilization needs is more 'drive', or dynamism, or self-sacrifice, or 'creativity'. In a sort of ghastly simplicity we remove the organ and demand the function. We make men without chests and expect of them virtue and enterprise. We laugh at honour and are shocked to find traitors in our midst. We castrate and bid the geldings be fruitful."
See the rest here: http://www.columbia.edu/cu/augustine/arch/lewis/abolition1.htm
I ran across this CS Lewis essay this morning, and was reminded of how much I love reading his work... I thought I'd share some. Enjoy.
See the rest here: http://www.columbia.edu/cu/augustine/arch/lewis/abolition1.htm
I ran across this CS Lewis essay this morning, and was reminded of how much I love reading his work... I thought I'd share some. Enjoy.
7.19.2005
sometimes i feel...
like i need a vacation...
for a few months now, my mind keeps slipping toward the idea of me just lying on a beach somewhere, or holing up in a hotel room... just letting my mind go blank. which is a nice dream for someone who's virtually broke.
i can't help myself - every time i check my email, i go to expedia.com and look at all their "deals". i like the "all inclusives" to mexico, and the cheap flights to NYC the best... i'm just itching to be somewhere that isn't "real" for a few days. where i can just be.
oh well - a great substitute is a book. i've got two going right now:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/search-handle-form/104-4814250-1528760
Marion Zimmer Bradley is one of my favorite writers... complete escapism with a touch of history.
for a few months now, my mind keeps slipping toward the idea of me just lying on a beach somewhere, or holing up in a hotel room... just letting my mind go blank.
i can't help myself - every time i check my email, i go to expedia.com and look at all their "deals". i like the "all inclusives" to mexico, and the cheap flights to NYC the best... i'm just itching to be somewhere that isn't "real" for a few days. where i can just be.
oh well - a great substitute is a book. i've got two going right now:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/search-handle-form/104-4814250-1528760
Marion Zimmer Bradley is one of my favorite writers... complete escapism with a touch of history.
7.18.2005
misc.
my ex actually asked how i was in his last communique with me. ok... weird since he didn't really seem to care beforehand. i thanked him for making sure my mail got forwarded and told him i was ok. the end.
in other news...
i'm beginning to like my job. i'm getting it, and that's a big deal for the girl who failed math in college - since i'm now doing the books for a department store. =) the other reason i like my job though is that there are some really fun people to work with too. it's a little store with a small staff so we're alot more like family - with all the ups and downs that that implies. we have mike who is great at making us smile and ian who works hard and will always make you feel better when you're having a hard day... jamilah (who owns a coffee shop with her husband too) from singapore is ready with a joke and is a hard worker too... and then we also have our associate who gets the wicked witch of the west theme music every time she swoops down the aisle... she always remains nameless but named in conversation.
it's a little taste of life in a small town i guess. everyone really gets to know everyone. better than some might like. good reason to be on you best behaviour.
today i had to tackle some complicated stuff in the vault and fix some of my own stupid problems, but i came out proud of myself for doing it. i worked catalog too, and did ok - yay!
this week i'm house-sitting for some church friends while they're on vacation. i'm looking forward to some quiet time, and sole possession of the remote control - hehe.
in other news...
i'm beginning to like my job. i'm getting it, and that's a big deal for the girl who failed math in college - since i'm now doing the books for a department store. =) the other reason i like my job though is that there are some really fun people to work with too. it's a little store with a small staff so we're alot more like family - with all the ups and downs that that implies. we have mike who is great at making us smile and ian who works hard and will always make you feel better when you're having a hard day... jamilah (who owns a coffee shop with her husband too) from singapore is ready with a joke and is a hard worker too... and then we also have our associate who gets the wicked witch of the west theme music every time she swoops down the aisle... she always remains nameless but named in conversation.
it's a little taste of life in a small town i guess. everyone really gets to know everyone. better than some might like. good reason to be on you best behaviour.
today i had to tackle some complicated stuff in the vault and fix some of my own stupid problems, but i came out proud of myself for doing it. i worked catalog too, and did ok - yay!
this week i'm house-sitting for some church friends while they're on vacation. i'm looking forward to some quiet time, and sole possession of the remote control - hehe.
7.14.2005
why do we hide ourselves?
as a kid i often hid myself. behind a couch or the bookshelf in the hall - in the next room over - i could hear all sorts of things that my little ears weren't supposed to hear. i have a friend that i joke with about how as preacher's kids we're good at being quiet so we can hear what's going on with everyone at church, as discussed by our parents. hmm. at that time, hiding myself, or being unobtrusive were excellent observation tools.
as i'm older now, i see people hide like that all the time... i'm not sure it's so healthy a habit. you've seen them too - the quiet shy ones, or perhaps the loud opinionated ones who never share anything personal. the difference between me as a kid hiding to hear about grown-ups lives, and being an actual grown up "hiding" in the way i am thinking of are distinct. and i am guilty of it at times. this kind of hiding involves being right in the middle of a room, visible to all, without a voice and without action.
for example: when i am in company with my peers and one has expressed an opinion or applauded an action or choice i believe to be immoral, and i do nothing. sometimes, as a young christian adult it's easy to hide my true self, and cast a cloak of indiffence, or neutrality over me. it's easy to shrug my shoulders and neglect to say what i know is right, or to acquaint my companions with a different and equally valid point of view. it's easy. and it's wrong.
the world makes it easy to hide your true beliefs in the shadows, and eventually the more you hide those things that were once so important to you, you cast them aside as if they were nothing. the passion for a cause, the passion for a pure life, the passion for life itself can be choked out of a soul with the simple silence of acceptance and a choice not to rock the boat.
why do we hide ourselves? i am a christian. i believe in Jesus Christ, that he is the son of God... i believe that there is a certain way that i should live as a believer, and that it is NOT easy. it is simple, and straightforward, uncomplicated, but it is not easy.
"Do you bring in a lamp to put it under a bowl or a bed? Instead, don't you put it on its stand? For whatever is hidden is meant to be disclosed, and whatever is concealed is meant to be brought out into the open." Mark 4: 21-22
as i'm older now, i see people hide like that all the time... i'm not sure it's so healthy a habit. you've seen them too - the quiet shy ones, or perhaps the loud opinionated ones who never share anything personal. the difference between me as a kid hiding to hear about grown-ups lives, and being an actual grown up "hiding" in the way i am thinking of are distinct. and i am guilty of it at times. this kind of hiding involves being right in the middle of a room, visible to all, without a voice and without action.
for example: when i am in company with my peers and one has expressed an opinion or applauded an action or choice i believe to be immoral, and i do nothing. sometimes, as a young christian adult it's easy to hide my true self, and cast a cloak of indiffence, or neutrality over me. it's easy to shrug my shoulders and neglect to say what i know is right, or to acquaint my companions with a different and equally valid point of view. it's easy. and it's wrong.
the world makes it easy to hide your true beliefs in the shadows, and eventually the more you hide those things that were once so important to you, you cast them aside as if they were nothing. the passion for a cause, the passion for a pure life, the passion for life itself can be choked out of a soul with the simple silence of acceptance and a choice not to rock the boat.
why do we hide ourselves? i am a christian. i believe in Jesus Christ, that he is the son of God... i believe that there is a certain way that i should live as a believer, and that it is NOT easy. it is simple, and straightforward, uncomplicated, but it is not easy.
"Do you bring in a lamp to put it under a bowl or a bed? Instead, don't you put it on its stand? For whatever is hidden is meant to be disclosed, and whatever is concealed is meant to be brought out into the open." Mark 4: 21-22
7.12.2005
dramaturgy
this is my new favorite word. i think of it whenever i get frustrated at work, or wonder what in the world i'm doing with myself, or if i'm really any good at anything. here's a cool site:
http://www2.ups.edu/professionalorgs/dramaturgy/main.htm
for a shorter explanation: dra·ma·tur·gy Function: noun
Etymology: German Dramaturgie, from Greek dramatourgia dramatic composition, from dramat-, drama + -ourgia -urgy: the art or technique of dramatic composition and theatrical representation
i first heard this word about three years ago at SETC in a panel discussion about women directors... and i had no clue what it was... since then i've done some research on what a dramaturg does in modern theatre, and decided this is a job i would relish.
of course, it'll take me a long time to get that job, seeing how i'll have to get through my BA and then work awhile, then apply to grad school, get through grad school and do well on top of all that. well, it's good to know i'll have something to do for the next few years =)
http://www2.ups.edu/professionalorgs/dramaturgy/main.htm
for a shorter explanation: dra·ma·tur·gy Function: noun
Etymology: German Dramaturgie, from Greek dramatourgia dramatic composition, from dramat-, drama + -ourgia -urgy: the art or technique of dramatic composition and theatrical representation
i first heard this word about three years ago at SETC in a panel discussion about women directors... and i had no clue what it was... since then i've done some research on what a dramaturg does in modern theatre, and decided this is a job i would relish.
of course, it'll take me a long time to get that job, seeing how i'll have to get through my BA and then work awhile, then apply to grad school, get through grad school and do well on top of all that. well, it's good to know i'll have something to do for the next few years =)
alone
when i was 13 or 14 years old, my family went on a trip and i decided to stay behind with my best friend and her family - later on in the week i'd go with my grandparents to join my family at vic falls...
but while i was with my friend - it was a stay of several day's duration, i missed my home, and found i couldn't be alone anywhere in her house. so i walked the mile or so through town to my house, and crawled through a bathroom window from the back veranda into the empty house. i was quite pleased with myself, and proceeded to make myself a little soup and sandwich, tidying up after myself and making a coffee to drink while i watched a bit of tv. i was deliciously alone.
soon after, my friend caught up with me, and we had fun being in the house by ourselves - but i remember that day as the first time i got be "all by myself" like that. i still savor times when i have a quiet house to myself, and am surrounded by things of my own. but they have to be my own, and the home needs to be my home.
during the five weeks i waited on the army to send me back to the states, i was alone - desperately alone. our first house since he joined up was supposed to be exciting and all ours, and it had been nothing but a bone of contention since the day we arrived in italy. it started with small things like the dishes and the garbage, soon it was the computers in the living room and the dog kennel in the dining room... one day i looked around and realized this place was not mine.
it wasn't for lack of trying though. i unpacked everything in short order when we recieved our household goods, and made a great effort to make everything look homey. there were flowers on the table, treats in the kitchen, and i stayed on top of the laundry at first. everything was peaceful when he wasn't at home, and it was confusing - wanting to see him, because i loved him and he was my only friend there, and dreading his moods and criticism. it hurt so deeply everytime he interrogated me about why i hadn't done things to his specifications. i was always bowled over and appalled at how seriously he took the littlest things - and thought that i purposely ignored his "instructions" to hurt him.
and then one day, i was out of there - on a plane, going home, because the desperate loneliness had driven me to a deep depression and an attempt to take my own life - i'll never look at perkaset in quite the same way.
and i wasn't so alone - i was overwhelmingly not alone - enveloped and swaddled by loving attention and concern. plus, after a month or two of angry emails, he started calling me at least twice a week with the same message: COME HOME, and here are the reasons why, you're ruining my career, you're ruining us, i don't know if i'll ever be able to forgive you...
WHAT??
but somehow, he won me over and convinced me that he was going to change. so i got on a plane and went back to italy. i battled the house again, and for a short while it was a home. then new year's came, and he basically said that if i wanted to prove i was committed to the marriage that i'd lose the weight he found so disgusting. so i tried. on valentine's day, he told me not to sleep in the guestroom bed when he was gone because it was his bed from when he was a teenager, also i could not go into his study. slowly, every room became off limits or uncomfortable. i sat on the couch and drank. i watched endless miniseries, and made stupid phone calls. i went to counselling, and told the counsellor what was going on, with her help i made the decision to ask for a legal seperation and return to the US. when he took away the car, and forbade me to speak to his command without permission, then followed me to the bus stop and shouted at me in public, i had him moved into the barracks early. i was afraid of him. i was afraid of the man who i thought would keep me from being alone all my life.
i was scared of the one person i chose to share my whole self with. i shared, and was emotionally abandoned when i didn't fit the bill. the one person who i chose to BE with, made me feel like i had nowhere and nothing of my own, that i was crazy and worthless.
is it any wonder, even now with all the love around me, that i want to be alone?
but while i was with my friend - it was a stay of several day's duration, i missed my home, and found i couldn't be alone anywhere in her house. so i walked the mile or so through town to my house, and crawled through a bathroom window from the back veranda into the empty house. i was quite pleased with myself, and proceeded to make myself a little soup and sandwich, tidying up after myself and making a coffee to drink while i watched a bit of tv. i was deliciously alone.
soon after, my friend caught up with me, and we had fun being in the house by ourselves - but i remember that day as the first time i got be "all by myself" like that. i still savor times when i have a quiet house to myself, and am surrounded by things of my own. but they have to be my own, and the home needs to be my home.
during the five weeks i waited on the army to send me back to the states, i was alone - desperately alone. our first house since he joined up was supposed to be exciting and all ours, and it had been nothing but a bone of contention since the day we arrived in italy. it started with small things like the dishes and the garbage, soon it was the computers in the living room and the dog kennel in the dining room... one day i looked around and realized this place was not mine.
it wasn't for lack of trying though. i unpacked everything in short order when we recieved our household goods, and made a great effort to make everything look homey. there were flowers on the table, treats in the kitchen, and i stayed on top of the laundry at first. everything was peaceful when he wasn't at home, and it was confusing - wanting to see him, because i loved him and he was my only friend there, and dreading his moods and criticism. it hurt so deeply everytime he interrogated me about why i hadn't done things to his specifications. i was always bowled over and appalled at how seriously he took the littlest things - and thought that i purposely ignored his "instructions" to hurt him.
and then one day, i was out of there - on a plane, going home, because the desperate loneliness had driven me to a deep depression and an attempt to take my own life - i'll never look at perkaset in quite the same way.
and i wasn't so alone - i was overwhelmingly not alone - enveloped and swaddled by loving attention and concern. plus, after a month or two of angry emails, he started calling me at least twice a week with the same message: COME HOME, and here are the reasons why, you're ruining my career, you're ruining us, i don't know if i'll ever be able to forgive you...
WHAT??
but somehow, he won me over and convinced me that he was going to change. so i got on a plane and went back to italy. i battled the house again, and for a short while it was a home. then new year's came, and he basically said that if i wanted to prove i was committed to the marriage that i'd lose the weight he found so disgusting. so i tried. on valentine's day, he told me not to sleep in the guestroom bed when he was gone because it was his bed from when he was a teenager, also i could not go into his study. slowly, every room became off limits or uncomfortable. i sat on the couch and drank. i watched endless miniseries, and made stupid phone calls. i went to counselling, and told the counsellor what was going on, with her help i made the decision to ask for a legal seperation and return to the US. when he took away the car, and forbade me to speak to his command without permission, then followed me to the bus stop and shouted at me in public, i had him moved into the barracks early. i was afraid of him. i was afraid of the man who i thought would keep me from being alone all my life.
i was scared of the one person i chose to share my whole self with. i shared, and was emotionally abandoned when i didn't fit the bill. the one person who i chose to BE with, made me feel like i had nowhere and nothing of my own, that i was crazy and worthless.
is it any wonder, even now with all the love around me, that i want to be alone?
7.03.2005
anthem
Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack, a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.
Leonard Cohen, "Anthem, 1992.
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack, a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.
Leonard Cohen, "Anthem, 1992.
6.28.2005
voluptuous
mmm... i love that word. voluptuous. it makes me think of an exercise we did in period styles. pick a word and say it in as many ways as you can until it posesses you... we'd wander around the room saying these words of ours in tiny voices, and booming voices, and every tone in between... my words were clarity and confidence. hah. go figure.
but now i like voluptuous... it makes me think of a really dark chocolate cake, or those paintings of very curvy ladies in the nude... hehe. full, pleasant, smooth and confident... content, like a furry, purring grey tabby cat.
but now i like voluptuous... it makes me think of a really dark chocolate cake, or those paintings of very curvy ladies in the nude... hehe. full, pleasant, smooth and confident... content, like a furry, purring grey tabby cat.
6.23.2005
runaway
incongruencies bother me. like on the way home, listening to the radio, the dj dedicates a bon jovi song, "runaway" to a girl who was upset about a hit and run accident she was involved in. but in the song it's the girl who did the running. this irritates me. not in any serious way, but it's just... wrong.
so my new hobby seems to be apartment hunting. i want to find one that's just right, so i'm not juping into a deal with the fire hazard house, or any place that requires the purchase of a window a/c. ick.
thus far it's been a good way to learn my way around winfield. there is no real layout to the residential streets... or any street for that matter. the only good thing is that there are the numbered streets... actually they're avenues but i always thought that numbers were for streets and you named avenues. oh well.
grandpa and debbie whould be here soon. it's mom and dad's anniversary today, and they're as busy as ever... and i'm broke, so i'm making a homemade card. the goal is anything that will make mom tear up. =)
so my new hobby seems to be apartment hunting. i want to find one that's just right, so i'm not juping into a deal with the fire hazard house, or any place that requires the purchase of a window a/c. ick.
thus far it's been a good way to learn my way around winfield. there is no real layout to the residential streets... or any street for that matter. the only good thing is that there are the numbered streets... actually they're avenues but i always thought that numbers were for streets and you named avenues. oh well.
grandpa and debbie whould be here soon. it's mom and dad's anniversary today, and they're as busy as ever... and i'm broke, so i'm making a homemade card. the goal is anything that will make mom tear up. =)
6.22.2005
fire hazard
the gas range in the little kitchen screamed "fire hazard"! when i entered the apartment last night. the fellow showing me the place seemed unconcerned though so it may have been my imagination. dennis is an interesting chap, i think everyone knows a dennis. he is a "handyman" who came to the area 12 years ago while searching for indian arrow heads, he rented one of the apartments he now owns, and has never left. he resembled the guy who collected orchids in the movie "adaptation" (weird but good movie - more on that in another post)
the apartment was on the 2nd floor of the old house - the whole thing is split into four apartments now. we entered from the back via the exterior stairs (another potential hazard i'm sure) into a "sunroom"/porch area of sorts with an itchy avacado green rocker chair. the interior was open - lots of windows and painted white. the floor rolled a bit, and was covered in a patchwork of green linoleum, threadbare red, green and brown carpets in different areas. the bathroom was small but not scary and the furniture in it seemed decent.
negatives: the range, the stairs and the AC - a window unit.
positives: not mooching off of my parents, a space of my OWN.
the apartment was on the 2nd floor of the old house - the whole thing is split into four apartments now. we entered from the back via the exterior stairs (another potential hazard i'm sure) into a "sunroom"/porch area of sorts with an itchy avacado green rocker chair. the interior was open - lots of windows and painted white. the floor rolled a bit, and was covered in a patchwork of green linoleum, threadbare red, green and brown carpets in different areas. the bathroom was small but not scary and the furniture in it seemed decent.
negatives: the range, the stairs and the AC - a window unit.
positives: not mooching off of my parents, a space of my OWN.
6.21.2005
gazillion
today i have a gazillion things to do. well, actually that's everyday for me lately. a couple of months ago that sounded like a good thing, and i have to keep reminding myself: it is, it IS a good thing stefanie. june 1st was my 23rd birthday, but i look and feel like i'm about 30 years old right now. dealing with stuff that a 23 year old shouldn't have to deal with will do that to you.
i have this awesome friend who went through a divorce even younger than me. he was married for like, a year and a bit... i don't know all the details and shouldn't, but what i saw in him was a man who had been totally knocked off his feet and onto his knees before God. he'll tell you honestly, i think, that he is in no way perfect... but he knew when God was tugging at his heart and conscience. and through alot of heart wrenching nasty and harrowing experiences has allowed God to mold him. back when i met him first, i had no way of identifying with him and was simply in awe of what God had done in a broken, upside down life.
i thought i had it pretty good back then. just married, very in love, very in the middle of college and secure in a new-found church family that i loved and was excited about. sure, there were some weird decisions that my husband made - but we were 20 years old and invincible, God would take care of us. sure, there were times we'd have arguments and i wondered how i ever thought he and i had anything in common, but didn't everyone go thorugh that? yes and no... i can hear you say it =).
back then, i had no idea that God would pull me through a personal hell much like my friends'... and use it to purify my soul and turn my little world upside down. everything i was sure about when i was 20 was about to be shaken to the ground. everything i thought i was headed toward became impossible and i chose the rocky dangerous path of "sacrifice for the one you love" - to the point of near self-destruction.
in those times, just one task a day became insurmountable. and so now, holding down a job and paying for a car, looking for an apartment, applying for school loans - these things are HUGE to me. i feel dwarfed by those things now. have you ever seen those perspective twisting pictures where there are grown people sitting in a room full of furniture twice the normal size? when you look at them, you know these people are fully grown and developed, yet they look like hobbits. i was sucked down a black hole for about three years where time moved for everyone but me. so now, i'm in a world that seems much larger than it ought.
and there are gazillions of things to do before i get anywhere near normal sized furniture again.
i have this awesome friend who went through a divorce even younger than me. he was married for like, a year and a bit... i don't know all the details and shouldn't, but what i saw in him was a man who had been totally knocked off his feet and onto his knees before God. he'll tell you honestly, i think, that he is in no way perfect... but he knew when God was tugging at his heart and conscience. and through alot of heart wrenching nasty and harrowing experiences has allowed God to mold him. back when i met him first, i had no way of identifying with him and was simply in awe of what God had done in a broken, upside down life.
i thought i had it pretty good back then. just married, very in love, very in the middle of college and secure in a new-found church family that i loved and was excited about. sure, there were some weird decisions that my husband made - but we were 20 years old and invincible, God would take care of us. sure, there were times we'd have arguments and i wondered how i ever thought he and i had anything in common, but didn't everyone go thorugh that? yes and no... i can hear you say it =).
back then, i had no idea that God would pull me through a personal hell much like my friends'... and use it to purify my soul and turn my little world upside down. everything i was sure about when i was 20 was about to be shaken to the ground. everything i thought i was headed toward became impossible and i chose the rocky dangerous path of "sacrifice for the one you love" - to the point of near self-destruction.
in those times, just one task a day became insurmountable. and so now, holding down a job and paying for a car, looking for an apartment, applying for school loans - these things are HUGE to me. i feel dwarfed by those things now. have you ever seen those perspective twisting pictures where there are grown people sitting in a room full of furniture twice the normal size? when you look at them, you know these people are fully grown and developed, yet they look like hobbits. i was sucked down a black hole for about three years where time moved for everyone but me. so now, i'm in a world that seems much larger than it ought.
and there are gazillions of things to do before i get anywhere near normal sized furniture again.
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