gazillion

today i have a gazillion things to do. well, actually that's everyday for me lately. a couple of months ago that sounded like a good thing, and i have to keep reminding myself: it is, it IS a good thing stefanie. june 1st was my 23rd birthday, but i look and feel like i'm about 30 years old right now. dealing with stuff that a 23 year old shouldn't have to deal with will do that to you.

i have this awesome friend who went through a divorce even younger than me. he was married for like, a year and a bit... i don't know all the details and shouldn't, but what i saw in him was a man who had been totally knocked off his feet and onto his knees before God. he'll tell you honestly, i think, that he is in no way perfect... but he knew when God was tugging at his heart and conscience. and through alot of heart wrenching nasty and harrowing experiences has allowed God to mold him. back when i met him first, i had no way of identifying with him and was simply in awe of what God had done in a broken, upside down life.

i thought i had it pretty good back then. just married, very in love, very in the middle of college and secure in a new-found church family that i loved and was excited about. sure, there were some weird decisions that my husband made - but we were 20 years old and invincible, God would take care of us. sure, there were times we'd have arguments and i wondered how i ever thought he and i had anything in common, but didn't everyone go thorugh that? yes and no... i can hear you say it =).

back then, i had no idea that God would pull me through a personal hell much like my friends'... and use it to purify my soul and turn my little world upside down. everything i was sure about when i was 20 was about to be shaken to the ground. everything i thought i was headed toward became impossible and i chose the rocky dangerous path of "sacrifice for the one you love" - to the point of near self-destruction.

in those times, just one task a day became insurmountable. and so now, holding down a job and paying for a car, looking for an apartment, applying for school loans - these things are HUGE to me. i feel dwarfed by those things now. have you ever seen those perspective twisting pictures where there are grown people sitting in a room full of furniture twice the normal size? when you look at them, you know these people are fully grown and developed, yet they look like hobbits. i was sucked down a black hole for about three years where time moved for everyone but me. so now, i'm in a world that seems much larger than it ought.

and there are gazillions of things to do before i get anywhere near normal sized furniture again.