rat in a cage

why are there two sides to me? the outside and the inside. the inside is screaming tonight, asking questions, ranting and raving. why why why why? why do we have these amazing powerful feelings inside of us, these desires that can only be satisfied for brief moments? would it be better to not know that kind of joy at all? there are all these wants, and these fragments of hope that say, "there is something better!"

and then i cry.

and then i sleep.

and in the morning, i wake up and go to work, feed myself, clothe myself, make decisions that affect the "management" of "a necessary service" called "retail". how does this really help anyone? really? if jc penney's didn't exist, people would find jobs, and clothes at walmart, or dillards, or goodwill. this is not me. i am not my job. my job can't even afford me rent for my own place. not with car payments too.

i know, i know, already the tightness in my throat is less, my blood is cooling, reason comes in: just think where you were six months ago, just think where you'd be without a job that has given you some self esteem, and respect... but six months ago (believe it or not) i could look at the bright side too.

is life just a series of realizations, one misery to the next, one beautiful moment to the next? it is isn't it? life is waiting. ok, ok, where's the lifetime movie that says, "you can't just go on waiting for life to happen..." or, "carpe diem..." etc. etc.

this is my hour of discontent.

i'm restless again. the more often i find myself like this, the more i see that this is a shortcoming of mine. i worry about it. i wonder if it's a symptom of a greater disease.

despite all my rage, i am still just a rat in a cage...

ok, that just popped into my head.

lying in bed, trying to wind down, memories come to me in crystal clear technicolor. good things i may never have again, bad things i brought on myself, bad things others did to me, good things that are always out of reach.

then i hear mom shuffling around with her walker in the kitchen, trying to load the dishwasher. i grab the kleenex, pull on my robe, and chase her away from the sink and finish the job.

is that God answering me? yes, stefanie, you are useful, you're just where you need to be... it's all about choices, and you're making the safe ones.

and yet, i keep sabotaging myself. fear gets to me. or something. i procrastinate something fierce. even when i have all sorts of good reasons for getting things done. if i do the work in front of me, won't it just be replaced by something equally insurmountable and yet, honestly, all too easy?

i miss being young. i miss feeling like i have and exciting road ahead of me. i miss not knowing that bad things can happen to me. i guess i'm just in a bad mood.

we always know the truth down there somewhere. we're all looking for someone who understands. someone who knows, you know? i miss that. there's still a sliver of hope in me that says i'll find that someone again.