alone

when i was 13 or 14 years old, my family went on a trip and i decided to stay behind with my best friend and her family - later on in the week i'd go with my grandparents to join my family at vic falls...

but while i was with my friend - it was a stay of several day's duration, i missed my home, and found i couldn't be alone anywhere in her house. so i walked the mile or so through town to my house, and crawled through a bathroom window from the back veranda into the empty house. i was quite pleased with myself, and proceeded to make myself a little soup and sandwich, tidying up after myself and making a coffee to drink while i watched a bit of tv. i was deliciously alone.

soon after, my friend caught up with me, and we had fun being in the house by ourselves - but i remember that day as the first time i got be "all by myself" like that. i still savor times when i have a quiet house to myself, and am surrounded by things of my own. but they have to be my own, and the home needs to be my home.

during the five weeks i waited on the army to send me back to the states, i was alone - desperately alone. our first house since he joined up was supposed to be exciting and all ours, and it had been nothing but a bone of contention since the day we arrived in italy. it started with small things like the dishes and the garbage, soon it was the computers in the living room and the dog kennel in the dining room... one day i looked around and realized this place was not mine.

it wasn't for lack of trying though. i unpacked everything in short order when we recieved our household goods, and made a great effort to make everything look homey. there were flowers on the table, treats in the kitchen, and i stayed on top of the laundry at first. everything was peaceful when he wasn't at home, and it was confusing - wanting to see him, because i loved him and he was my only friend there, and dreading his moods and criticism. it hurt so deeply everytime he interrogated me about why i hadn't done things to his specifications. i was always bowled over and appalled at how seriously he took the littlest things - and thought that i purposely ignored his "instructions" to hurt him.

and then one day, i was out of there - on a plane, going home, because the desperate loneliness had driven me to a deep depression and an attempt to take my own life - i'll never look at perkaset in quite the same way.

and i wasn't so alone - i was overwhelmingly not alone - enveloped and swaddled by loving attention and concern. plus, after a month or two of angry emails, he started calling me at least twice a week with the same message: COME HOME, and here are the reasons why, you're ruining my career, you're ruining us, i don't know if i'll ever be able to forgive you...

WHAT??

but somehow, he won me over and convinced me that he was going to change. so i got on a plane and went back to italy. i battled the house again, and for a short while it was a home. then new year's came, and he basically said that if i wanted to prove i was committed to the marriage that i'd lose the weight he found so disgusting. so i tried. on valentine's day, he told me not to sleep in the guestroom bed when he was gone because it was his bed from when he was a teenager, also i could not go into his study. slowly, every room became off limits or uncomfortable. i sat on the couch and drank. i watched endless miniseries, and made stupid phone calls. i went to counselling, and told the counsellor what was going on, with her help i made the decision to ask for a legal seperation and return to the US. when he took away the car, and forbade me to speak to his command without permission, then followed me to the bus stop and shouted at me in public, i had him moved into the barracks early. i was afraid of him. i was afraid of the man who i thought would keep me from being alone all my life.

i was scared of the one person i chose to share my whole self with. i shared, and was emotionally abandoned when i didn't fit the bill. the one person who i chose to BE with, made me feel like i had nowhere and nothing of my own, that i was crazy and worthless.

is it any wonder, even now with all the love around me, that i want to be alone?