clear eyed tears

we played in the grey puddles and you
grabbed me by the waist and swung me around
grinning
laughing
playing
in the pouring rain

fat raindrops and my long blue skirt soaked through
your eyes crinkled at the corners with a smile and
giddy
bubbling
attraction
under the wet wet sky

it poured down tonight and you
were on my mind but your hand was nowhere near to hold
grasping
remembering
sighing
in the dark sweet smelling rain

je suis content

my fragmental french surfacing again...

but i am "well", or "content" right now. so many things even a month ago that i disparaged myself for are not a problem anymore. and i don't mean that i somehow conquered a bad habit or two and now i'm a paragon of virtue... no, i mean that my mindset is clearing, becoming cleansed of the negativity and cynicism i carried inside for so long. i pray it never comes back! it is miserable to live with your "own worst critic" CONSTANTLY. yes, we all criticize ourselves, but my inner critic was becoming the dominant voice in my mind. it constantly reminded me of how badly i do everything and how i have no self discipline, and no talent, and bad motivations.



i am relieved to rediscover me. somewhat crumpled (i love that word) but essentially the same. perhaps even new and improved... until the next update which i hope will not be so awkward and unpleasant.

wake up

my brain is waking up. i know that it's not really a "muscle" per se, and you don't literally "feed" your brain, but i feel like i'm both exercising it and nourishing it. every class, every new encounter, every thought - new, or merely recovered - makes my mind stretch a little further. yay.

five classes, and one performance lab, and stimulation from like and unalike minds, it's a rich feast - if you have the appetite. ;) i do. and that makes me feel so grateful. for the longest time, i felt completely incapable of learning anything. that ability was lost, i could not find it in me to enter anything new into my mind. it seemed like such a monumental effort just to get through a day. so adding "learning" into the picture again seemed too huge.

my only goal: i must do what's in front of me, and do it to the best of my ability.

and of course, that means i must not put any limitations on myself in regards to my ability!

hand in my pocket

I’m broke but I’m happy
I’m poor but I’m kind
I’m short but I’m healthy, yeah
I’m high but I’m grounded
I’m sane but I’m overwhelmed
I’m lost but I’m hopeful baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everthing’s gonna be fine fine fine
I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five

I feel drunk but I’m sober
I’m young and I’m underpaid
I’m tired but I’m working, yeah
I care but I’m restless
I’m here but I’m really gone
I’m wrong and I’m sorry baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything’s gonna be quite alright
I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other is flicking a cigarette

What is all comes down to
Is that I haven’t got it all figured out just yet
I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign

I’m free but I’m focused
I’m green but I’m wise
I’m hard but I’m friendly baby
I’m sad but I’m laughing
I’m brave but I’m chicken shit
I’m sick but I’m pretty baby

What it all boils down to
Is that no one’s really got it figured out just yet
I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano

What it all comes down to my friends
Is that everything’s just fine fine fine
I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxi cab...

reaction

do you ever just get the urge to do something, simply for the reaction of others? i see it alot in myself. times when i sit in a crowded room, at a party or church, class or ... anywhere. maybe an opinion is expressed a the consensus in the group is for it, and even if i mostly agree - i want to disagree! or maybe you know someone and you feel very strongly attracted to them, but have no idea how they feel, there's this urge to do something extreme - positive or negative - just to get the reaction.

i like to see people's reactions to eachother too. couples are always fun, especially in social settings, seeing them observe eachother and remark on the other's behaviour. it's usually really cute, sometimes a little odd, but usually cute.

i'm getting reintegrated into FHU culture... alot of that means getting used to being around peers again, as well as some quite younger than me. it means observing others who are learning how to define themselves and learning who they like to associate with. then there's always the coupling and uncoupling drama. i forgot the mindset here of - as soon as you date someone, people look for an engagement ring. never used to bother me, now i'm like - take your time peoples!!!

hmm. so it's saturday night in my little room, and i'm going to put red to bed. church in the morning. that makes me happy - worhip at jack's creek and seeing my friends there... reasons why sunday is my favorite day of the week

HRH 208

morning in my little dorm room. i have a corner room, and that means the sun is shining through two windows, not one. i put up the mosquito netting mom got me from zims, very british colonial if i do say so myself. ;)

this is the second day of classes at Freed. the second round of syllabi and speeches about grading and absences from our instructors. all i can say is, yay! i'm such a dork. right now, i'm even enjoying eating a meal a day in the infamous gano - of course, we now have a master chef and his team to make everything look pretty. even taste good sometimes.

looks like i'll be auditioning for "a winter's tale", which makes me happy! other than that though, i'll be keeping my head in the books, and hopefully a work study job. i'm loving being able to see my uncle, cousin, and brothers almost every day plus all sorts of friends... i hope i can remind myself that these are good things when i get stressed through the semester.

so far, it looks like i'm going to really enjoy my intercultural communications class, and i'm excited to be taking christian evidences with dr. lipe. it'll be a challenge, but i'm excited. chris is going to be in that class too.

well, gotta finish getting ready.

to thee our dearest...

FHU...
Okay, so I'm finally getting excited about going back to Freed. I got my final OK from the board of admissions, and I'm leaving on Saturday. It's a ten hour trek to TN, but I'll be breaking it up with an overnight stay with my Grandpa and his wife in Dyersburg. Church with them in the morning, and then a little less than two hours to Henderson. Yay! I'll be at Jack's Creek for church that night. I'm sooo excited.

Thank you Lord!! ;)

if i had ...

twelve bucks:
http://exlibrisanonymous.com/

define it

over the holidays, victoria's secret aired their usual soft-porn holiday ads. i think it's so weird to see these women parading down a snowy street in lingerie - ack. but anyway, the line they used this year irritated me, caused me to think a bit. it went something like,
" give me everything i want, and nothing i need..."

AAAAAAH!

no no no. i do not like that idea at all. why? well, sure it's nice to get things you want, and to be spoiled without reason. but to see these sexed up emaciated females dressed in the next to nothings that are simply designed for men, say these things... it was so awful. why?

--first of all, these images are totally about women selling their bodies, not anything else, to men. yes, i love victoria's secret underwear. they have pretty stuff in there that when i was married ... it was very nice to have. but! the main audience that their ad campaigns shoot for is not the married/monogamous public. it's single women, and men that are willing to spend ridiculous amounts of money on something momentary and completely physical. something selfish.

-- sex is not about being selfish! and in the right context it is SO MUCH MORE than the physical. God created this beautiful act for connection - one soul to another. and, it's a necessary part of marriage, any one in a healthy marriage will tell you that. it's not *just* about what i want, it's about giving the person i love what he needs, and is worthy of.

-- if, as a single woman, the first thing you do is ask only for what you want, and only advertise for what you want, it'll be great for a while but honey, expect it all to cave in someday. if your needs aren't met, if the man you chose to favor looks hot but can't see YOU, and who you are and wants to do nothing more than sleep with you and show you off, then you will end up miserable and empty. simple as that.

so, "give me everything i need, (first), and nothing i want (until later)"

okay, so i would never be a very good advertising consultant, but at least i'd be happy. well, that's my rant for the day... it's been building a while. see, my definitions have changed, and i hope they've changed because i choose to see the world, and all its relationships through God's eyes - to see things as He intended them to be. so, to tack on to another of victoria's tag lines, "what is sexy?"

-- sexy is honesty
-- sexy is a godly man or woman
-- sexy is unconditional love
-- sexy is being able to express faith
-- sexy is pursuing righteousness
-- sexy is honoring your wife or husband, boyfriend or girlfriend

... of course we won't get into why i think "sexy" is a term best used only by married people, because, i just used it. ;)

clark gable

I was waiting for a cross-town train in the London underground when it struck me
That I've been waiting since birth to find a love that would look and sound like a movie
So I changed my plans and rented a camera and a van and then I called you
"I need you to pretend that we are in love again" and you agreed to

I want so badly to believe that "there is truth, that love is real"
And I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd

I greased the lens and framed the shot using a friend as my stand-in
The script it called for rain but it was clear that day so we faked it
The marker snapped and I yelled "quiet on the set" and then called "action!"
And I kissed you in a style that Clark Gable would have admired (I thought it classic)

I want so badly to believe that "there is truth, that love is real"
And I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd

I know you're wise beyond your years, but do you ever get the fear
That your perfect verse is just a lie you tell yourself to help you get by?

(by postal service)

tea time

the electric kettle rumbles to a dull roar and clicks of... i flip my book shut, and go attend to its call. now, to make a good pot of tea, you have to start with a good tea pot, boiled water, and good tea. fortunately at our house we have all three! i dump out the hot water that's been warming the tea pot - we're using the big one right now - and pour the steaming water from the kettle in. next comes the loose tea - five roses brand from south africa, THE best - three spoonfuls. you have to stir the leaves in thoroughly. mmm. i love the smell of tea!

and then i let it steep. mom is VERY particular about doing this until her tea is the perfect shade of carmel brown when poured into a cup with a little milk. and if you don't wait until it's "steep", then you will have to pour her tea out and wait til it is! very particular.

i love my mom. i love tea. i love our home. what a wonderful family i have!

treadmill

i hate that word... but as i was using it today, i noticed myself actually enjoying my sweaty unglamorous exercise time. maybe someday i will even understand you crazy people who enjoy working out!

this treadmill was dad and mom's xmas present to eachother... it's still new and shiny, and has a sticker on it that says: Quiet! Responsive! Powerful! i think that this should also be a description of my ideal man. heh.

just kidding. it made me giggle though.

renoir

I've had a print of "the luncheon of the boating party" by renoir since i was 16 years old. i bought it for five dollars at walmart... this print came framed and travelled with me to college, to my first apartment, to italy, and back to kansas. today, i broke to glass on the frame whilst lifting an unwieldy box of china. i laughed until i cried.

it's not that renoir is my favorite of all artists... i prefer chagall, or van gogh or matisse... but anywho. the thing is, it was my first "art". it had a frame, and it was a print of a painting, and it wasn't a poster of jonathan brandis! the other cool thing is, that painting is in one of my favoritest films - amelie. there are all sorts of little connections to it now, things i've noticed or thought about... i can see it sitting on top of my desk at school, and on the floor in the jack's creek house... and unpacking it in italy. it's signifigance grew over time, as i understood it better. i didn't really know that much about what i liked at when i bought it, or what made a good painting, but i fell in love with that print... it was "my" renoir. i knew the name, i knew that painting, which caused me to go find more of his paintings...and in the process, i fell in love with all sorts of other artwork.

the print itself is still good... but the magic is kinda gone. maybe it's time for me to buy a real painting now.

oh wait, i'm a broke student. i think i'll just visit a gallery, and find more paintings to love. ;)

prayer

"Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love,
Where there is injury, pardon
Where there is doubt, faith,
Where there is despair, hope,
Where there is darkness, light,
Where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much
seek to be consoled as to console,
not so much to be understood as to understand,
not so much to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we recieve,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
it is in dying that we awake to eternal life."
- St. Francis of Assisi

-- my prayer for this year: to become more aware of who I am as God's child, and what I need to do in order to serve Him. May our Creator and Savior bless you as you enter this New Year.