no lie

it's coming up on that day i've never liked. ever. the one with the big red hearts and candy and roses... and i know i'm not the only one to express that sentiment. this year though... it'll be different.

i've tried very hard in the past year to cultivate a positive attitude towards couple-ishness. so far it's worked almost as well as when i convinced myself that potato chips were disgusting (those of you who know me know that i can't stand em)... i started by simply telling myself that it was cute and sweet and great to see pda, and that people holding hands and smiling was NICE thing... and now, i get that warm fuzzy smiley feeling every time i see a couplish.

but... but... lately, with all this positivity, i almost feel like being couplish myself. and this is just setting myself up for dissapointment when it comes to my least favorite day. and the thing is, i'm really just liking this whole being me thing... and i definitely am an appreciator of the opposite sex. i like men, alot. i'm a fan of the whole male of the species thing really. they're good for many things... and i have lots of male friends, and that makes me happy too. i take it as a sign of my inner balance - i'm not one of those people that thinks that you can only be friends with a guy when your on the way to a romance with him.

anyway, i think the main thing is that i am rediscovering what it's like to be single and female again, and i'm doing this on a college campus that happens to have sayings like, "three swings and a ring", and "look to your left, look to your right... " - you freedies know what i'm talkin about. so, it's weird. it's also weird to tell these bright eyed sweet little freshmen that i'm a 23 year old divorcee.

yeah. you go try that. my cynical dark side finds it amusing. but mostly i just think... "and let that be a lesson to you". isn't that EVIL?? i mean, i have to be honest. i have to tell people why i have two last names, and that i'm only a sophmore/junior at this age because i uprooted my life for three years in pursuit of a dream marriage that never materialized. how do you communicate that simply, honestly - no bones about it - without sounding like your playing for attention or sympathy?

now, understand - i'm not in a melancholy mood about this, i'm not depressed or wishing i was where i was a year ago or anything - i'm just doing what i do best, analyzing. observing. i'm fascinated by how people choose to interact with me, how they approach me, and how they choose to react to this particular fact of my life.

no lie - i'm doing well, bittersweet in spots, ecstatic in others... mostly just BEing. it can happen, even after you've watched your life get turned upside down a few hundred times. and as for the 14th of February - bring it on. i'll probably love it this year.