fearfully wonderfully

i am determined to face life with less trepidation. i do not wish for the complete absence of it, but for less of it. i'm thinking right now of my basic acting class aeons ago now. and then subsequent performance classes where i would come in, prepared or no, and spill out a monologue or piece with another actor. that was sheer torture at first, i was so scared to mess it up! it had to be right, the first time, and anything less made me sick to my stomach. but there came a point in that first class especially, i recall, where i found a piece i liked, and anchored myself until i got it, and i loved that feeling. it became a part of me, and it felt... right to say what i said, to be the person saying it.

i still have that nasty bit of fear, shyness when it comes to certain things... but the thing God constantly hits me over the head with is: GET OVER YOURSELF! when i forget stefanie, i'm so much better at so many things. when i stop worrying what other people will think and simply do what i need to do - be the character, say the lines, do right, make good choices, be myself - it's amazing how much better everything seems.

when i allow the Spirit to work in me, peace seems so much closer, and life seems not only manageable but sweet. i love the messiness, the hope and the butterflies, the tears and the stage fright that works through my mind and body every day of my life.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
Psalm 139:13-14

wheatseed ;)

oh! my daddy has a blog ... isn't that cool?

gratitude

this is susan. (i stole the pic off of dr.t's scotland/piper pics) i've known her for oh... over a year now, thanks to the infamous production of "Pride and Prejudice" . but this past week or so i've been honestly delighted to know her better. susan's one of several "new" friends i've made at freed. she is fantastic, and i don't feel like she's a new friend because i feel like i've known her for ages. i love that kind of people! sometimes i marvel at how God blesses me with family wherever i go...

it's almost march, midterms and spring break are around the corner and i feel like i'm just starting to acclimate. there are a few things up in the air right now - like finding a roomate for the summer, and my van needing a tail light - but i'm provided for. the stream of papers and presentations is about to start, and after next week i'll be in rehearsals almost every night. on top of that, i have people. i feel immensely blessed and grateful. life is never complete until you die... and then it really just moves on, transcends this one and eclipses it. i don't know what will happen next, i have a few dreams and no guarantees but that of God's grace, and i honestly don't want to know what's next.

it's a beautiful day, and i'm thankful for friends and the beauty of God's plan for me... though i only can glimpse a small part.

meaning

people say alot of things that don't really mean anything. have you ever noticed that? we say alot of stuff to just get us from one point to the other, one moment to the next. what if all the fluffy stuff was removed? what if all the "small" talk was cut out, and we only communicated our direct and immediate needs, feelings and thoughts. somedays, i feel like everything coming out of my mouth is just garbage, verbal litter, waste.

not that i'm "profane" in the vernacular sense at all. i don't make a habit of talking in a vulgar manner when i can help it (and you pretty much always can). there are just simply times when i slow down, and marvel at how much loose information rolls through my head, down my tongue and out into the wide world. so much of it is superfluous, so much of it - pretty, funny, silly as it may be - is just decoration.

there are unique friends in my life, and unique encounters i hold dear. people and meetings with people that are rich and seamless. full of thought, full of what is real to us - either collectively, or individually - and we are all interested in it. we want, no desire, to hear and to savor and to ponder. these people are normal people, it's just that i love them, and i can pick up conversation again without the flirtation and unease of day to day acquaintance.

i'm beginning to understand "yearning";
a longing for something more
and something less
grows inside me.

it's as simple as silence

(and as rich as shared secrets)

as clear
as
running
water
and as deep as the pool it falls into.

cast

'Tis time; descend; be stone no more: approach;
Strike all that look upon with marvel. Come;
I'll fill your grave up : stir; nay, come away;
Bequeath to death your numbness, for from him
Dear life redeems you.—You perceive she stirs;
[Hermione comes down from the pedestal]
Start not: her actions shall be holy, as,
You hear, my spell is lawful; do not shun her,
Until you see her die again; for then
You kill her double: Nay, present your hand:
When she was young you woo'd her; now, in age,
Is she become the suitor!

--I've been cast in the role of Hermione in "Winter's Tale". I'm very excited, and nervous.
I have to stand still for 80 lines of Shakespeare. Yay.

just in case

...you didn't know how cool christopher walken is:

WEAPONS OF CHOICE (Fatboy Slim)

Video Code provided by VideoCodeZone.Com

boo

the one on the left is my baby brother - ian. i reserve the right to call him "boo" until he's 90. and i'm the only one who can. well, ok mom you can too. i'm incredibly proud of my "little" brother. i've never known anyone who is more joyful, empathetic or ... goofy. on top of that, he really is handsome, intelligent, charming and most importantly, GODLY. we have a special connection, and i love him to bits. i can listen to him talk about programming and anime or lit class anyday. i love you boo!

christopher

this is my brother christopher. i love him. we're two years apart, and even though we don't talk every day and aren't "joined at the hip", we're pretty close. i think he's an amazing guy. mainly because he has this huge capacity to love, and a desire to serve that just blows me away. he's one of my heroes - not because he's perfect, but because he puts his whole self into everything he does. one of the biggest blessings in my life has been having two incredible brothers that i LOVE to be around. thank you for loving me back chris!

spoony

spoony \SPOO-nee\, adjective:
1. Foolish; silly; excessively sentimental.
2. Foolishly or sentimentally in love.

http://wiki.ehow.com/Arrange-a-Dozen-Roses-in-a-Vase
http://mcsweeneys.net/2006/2/14traig.html

add it to the list

of brilliant ideas that stefanie has...
i decided to drive to walmart at 9:30pm on a very icy snowy night. and spun out in the van over a patch of ice past pinson. and the little van is still stuck on the snowy embankment waiting for rescue. no rear bumper left because it caught ahold of a road sign.

yeah, so i felt real smart. fortunately no one was hurt, it was just me and the ice. and the van. sometimes i wonder if i'm really nearly 24 years old.

and on a different note, i'm getting ready to audition for "a winter's tale". my monologue's getting there. guess i should go work some more. haven't auditioned a play in over a year. wow. i'm excited.

family

it's lectureship week at FHU, there are crowds of sweet old ladies and boisterous preachers, big family groups, and lots and lots of surprise reunions. i love it. alot of the students on campus bemoan the lack of parking, the crowds in the cafeteria and all over campus, and the longer chapel talks... and the parking is annoying ... but i am so encouraged by the hundreds of people who come to be encouraged and to feast on the Word of God.

our adopted "granny" louise is staying in my dorm room this week, and i just love talking with her. she is so gracious and joyful. and then some of our "cousins" from south africa are here to check out freed and enjoy the lectures. ben and laura are auntie jean's kids - jean and mom were great friends growing up, and i have lots of memories of them visiting and playing with us as kids. so cool to see them now all grown.

one thing i'm really liking this week is that i have NO classes. all my classes this semester are Bible so they're out for the week so we can enjoy lectures. all i have to do is turn in notes from the lectures i attended.

i'm just so thankful for my extended family in the Lord and the incredible people, and love that surrounds me.

simple

one of my favorite words. my little saying i often tell myself: simple does NOT mean easy. the more days i add to my life on this earth the more i want them to be simple. straightforward. uncomplicated. honest.

and as nice and clean as that word sounds, it is hard to maintain. lately i've been noticing the pull of the fhu bookstore for example. little notebooks and shiny gel pens, "supplies" that really have no purpose, chocolate and multivitamin drinks, cologne and brad montague cds all fascinate me. i can spend a whole twenty minutes in there contemplating how to waste 3 dollars. what's sadder is that you can put these pointless purchaseson your student account and not feel it until you graduate.

oh, here's another one: i want some converse tennis shoes - black or pink i'm not sure... but, WHY? i don't NEED them!! i have ten pairs of perfectly good shoes, plus i go barefoot as much as possible, i'm not a shoe person. but there it is, i have the strong desire to clutter my life.

slowly, i've begun to realize this urge can seep right down to the spiritual level too. i can see this desk or filing cabinet in my mind with different overstuffed folders for all sorts of forays in thought. a folder for "issues" in the church, one for "alternative belief systems" - that one's thick, i have a fascination for eastern religion and pagan beliefs - and maybe a whole drawer labelled "doubts and skepticisms".

i've always heard teachers and preachers saying that we have a "buffet style" approach to religion today. this kind of statement makes me want to roll my eyes at times because of the way it's stated. i tend to want to argue back, even if there is some truth to these large statements. but, but, i understand this one. i like to pick and choose... it's that whole mentality of "thingism" as i call it. you know, like, "how does this couch reflect my personality?", "does this t-shirt show how edgy and cool i really am?" you can just SEE people thinking these things sometimes when you look at what they wear or what they own. i think i'm tempted to do this at times in the realm of "religion".

i'm in a class on the prophets right now. and this is what it boils down to: God doesn't want you messing around with "alternative beliefs" he just wants you to worship him with a sincere and clean(ed) heart. simple, right? easy? no.

no lie

it's coming up on that day i've never liked. ever. the one with the big red hearts and candy and roses... and i know i'm not the only one to express that sentiment. this year though... it'll be different.

i've tried very hard in the past year to cultivate a positive attitude towards couple-ishness. so far it's worked almost as well as when i convinced myself that potato chips were disgusting (those of you who know me know that i can't stand em)... i started by simply telling myself that it was cute and sweet and great to see pda, and that people holding hands and smiling was NICE thing... and now, i get that warm fuzzy smiley feeling every time i see a couplish.

but... but... lately, with all this positivity, i almost feel like being couplish myself. and this is just setting myself up for dissapointment when it comes to my least favorite day. and the thing is, i'm really just liking this whole being me thing... and i definitely am an appreciator of the opposite sex. i like men, alot. i'm a fan of the whole male of the species thing really. they're good for many things... and i have lots of male friends, and that makes me happy too. i take it as a sign of my inner balance - i'm not one of those people that thinks that you can only be friends with a guy when your on the way to a romance with him.

anyway, i think the main thing is that i am rediscovering what it's like to be single and female again, and i'm doing this on a college campus that happens to have sayings like, "three swings and a ring", and "look to your left, look to your right... " - you freedies know what i'm talkin about. so, it's weird. it's also weird to tell these bright eyed sweet little freshmen that i'm a 23 year old divorcee.

yeah. you go try that. my cynical dark side finds it amusing. but mostly i just think... "and let that be a lesson to you". isn't that EVIL?? i mean, i have to be honest. i have to tell people why i have two last names, and that i'm only a sophmore/junior at this age because i uprooted my life for three years in pursuit of a dream marriage that never materialized. how do you communicate that simply, honestly - no bones about it - without sounding like your playing for attention or sympathy?

now, understand - i'm not in a melancholy mood about this, i'm not depressed or wishing i was where i was a year ago or anything - i'm just doing what i do best, analyzing. observing. i'm fascinated by how people choose to interact with me, how they approach me, and how they choose to react to this particular fact of my life.

no lie - i'm doing well, bittersweet in spots, ecstatic in others... mostly just BEing. it can happen, even after you've watched your life get turned upside down a few hundred times. and as for the 14th of February - bring it on. i'll probably love it this year.