up

things are looking up again. not that much has changed other than the usual self-administered attitude change - oh, and the weather!! yay! it's fallish, i like fallish in kansas! cool weather makes me happy, it makes me think about cider and warm sweaters and long walks and ... Christmas! i feel like clapping my hands and giggling now.

work is about the same, busy and full of amusing little soap operas. we're gearing up for the xmas season, yay retail. not.

found out the other day that i will definitely be able to transfer to southwestern next semester and that's a relief. this business of community college would kill me if i had to attend another semester. lots of interesting people, and learning happens because a student chooses to apply herself, but i'm a snob... there's just an entirely different level of teaching and scholarship at a university or 4 year college. different people and different goals.

still enjoying my creative writing class though... and the stimulation is just good for me. i feel like my imagination is stretching and warming up for something big. that makes me happy.

i am longing for two things: a break, and companionship - a friend without the attachments of relationship/family pulling them away. i know that's selfish of me, you don't know what you have until it's gone sometimes. and, it takes time to build friendships, and even just to meet people.

"I wait for the Lord, my
soul waits,
and in his word I put my
hope.
My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait
for the morning,
more than watchmen wait
for the morning."
Psalm 130:5-6

rat in a cage

why are there two sides to me? the outside and the inside. the inside is screaming tonight, asking questions, ranting and raving. why why why why? why do we have these amazing powerful feelings inside of us, these desires that can only be satisfied for brief moments? would it be better to not know that kind of joy at all? there are all these wants, and these fragments of hope that say, "there is something better!"

and then i cry.

and then i sleep.

and in the morning, i wake up and go to work, feed myself, clothe myself, make decisions that affect the "management" of "a necessary service" called "retail". how does this really help anyone? really? if jc penney's didn't exist, people would find jobs, and clothes at walmart, or dillards, or goodwill. this is not me. i am not my job. my job can't even afford me rent for my own place. not with car payments too.

i know, i know, already the tightness in my throat is less, my blood is cooling, reason comes in: just think where you were six months ago, just think where you'd be without a job that has given you some self esteem, and respect... but six months ago (believe it or not) i could look at the bright side too.

is life just a series of realizations, one misery to the next, one beautiful moment to the next? it is isn't it? life is waiting. ok, ok, where's the lifetime movie that says, "you can't just go on waiting for life to happen..." or, "carpe diem..." etc. etc.

this is my hour of discontent.

i'm restless again. the more often i find myself like this, the more i see that this is a shortcoming of mine. i worry about it. i wonder if it's a symptom of a greater disease.

despite all my rage, i am still just a rat in a cage...

ok, that just popped into my head.

lying in bed, trying to wind down, memories come to me in crystal clear technicolor. good things i may never have again, bad things i brought on myself, bad things others did to me, good things that are always out of reach.

then i hear mom shuffling around with her walker in the kitchen, trying to load the dishwasher. i grab the kleenex, pull on my robe, and chase her away from the sink and finish the job.

is that God answering me? yes, stefanie, you are useful, you're just where you need to be... it's all about choices, and you're making the safe ones.

and yet, i keep sabotaging myself. fear gets to me. or something. i procrastinate something fierce. even when i have all sorts of good reasons for getting things done. if i do the work in front of me, won't it just be replaced by something equally insurmountable and yet, honestly, all too easy?

i miss being young. i miss feeling like i have and exciting road ahead of me. i miss not knowing that bad things can happen to me. i guess i'm just in a bad mood.

we always know the truth down there somewhere. we're all looking for someone who understands. someone who knows, you know? i miss that. there's still a sliver of hope in me that says i'll find that someone again.

audioslave

there's a song, i can't even tell you who sings it at the moment (too early in the morning) on my alternative station. hmmm... google will know...

Doesn't Remind Me - Audioslave

I walk the streets of Japan till I get lost
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
With a graveyard tan n'carrying a cross
It doesn't remind me of anything
I like studying faces in a parking lot
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like driving backwards in the fog
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything

[Chorus]
The things that I've loved, things that I've lost
Things I've held sacred that I've dropped
I won't lie no more you can bet
I don't want to learn what I'll need to forget

I like gypsy moths and radio talk
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like gospel music and canned applause
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like colorful clothing in the sun
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like hammering nails, and speaking in tongues
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything

[Chorus]
The things that I've loved, things that I've lost
Things I've held sacred that I've dropped
I won't lie no more you can bet
I don't want to learn what I'll need

Bend and shape me
I love the way you are
Slow and sweetly
Like never before
Calm and sleeping
We won't stir up the past
So descretely
We won't look back

[Chorus]
The things that I've loved, things that I've lost
Things I've held sacred that I've dropped
I won't lie no more you can bet
I don't want to learn what I'll need

I like throwing my voice and breaking guitars
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like playing in the sand what's mine is ours
If it doesn't remind me of anything

lately i feel like i'm rediscovering music. i feel like i missed out on a big chunk in the past 3 years. i forgot about audioslave, i love this song.

ps - my mom's recovering nicely from her knee replacement, should be home by sunday evening. we're so relieved everything went well.