11.24.2005
11.18.2005
brr
iitt's cco-old! must finally be winter in kansas. there was even a flurry of snow on the news the other day... it flew over wichita and hardly brushed us, but it was there! i love cold weather, and the holidays, and family ... my brothers are driving home from Tennessee today! They won't leave Freed until 2pm-ish, so they'll get here early in the morning really. I'm excited to see them, especially Ian, since this is his first break since the start of his Freshman year. =)
We're going to see Harry Potter tomorrow night, and go to the Coffee Club too. I love that we still do things together as siblings, someday we'll have families all our own to take care of, and won't get to do this.
I have an interview/application/test at T-Mobile's Call Center in Wichita on Tuesday. They pay oh, about 2-3 dollars an hour MORE than I'm being paid right now. Completed the phone interview last night, with all the questions about times when I've provided excellent customer service, and when I've dealt with irate customers, and why I think I'd be good for T-Mobile. Heh. We'll see. God has a plan, and it's bigger than me... I just keep trudging on.
That's what it feels like somedays. Trudge. Good word.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with Penney's ... I'm just not ready to let my job define me. And I don't want that job to be me. It's taught me alot, and helped me realize that I can achieve alot, and learn alot. However, I have no time to even sit down and do homework without wanting to just sleep! How am I supposed to have good grades when I don't have enough hours in the day?
brrr... I think I'm going to get some coffee now.
We're going to see Harry Potter tomorrow night, and go to the Coffee Club too. I love that we still do things together as siblings, someday we'll have families all our own to take care of, and won't get to do this.
I have an interview/application/test at T-Mobile's Call Center in Wichita on Tuesday. They pay oh, about 2-3 dollars an hour MORE than I'm being paid right now. Completed the phone interview last night, with all the questions about times when I've provided excellent customer service, and when I've dealt with irate customers, and why I think I'd be good for T-Mobile. Heh. We'll see. God has a plan, and it's bigger than me... I just keep trudging on.
That's what it feels like somedays. Trudge. Good word.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with Penney's ... I'm just not ready to let my job define me. And I don't want that job to be me. It's taught me alot, and helped me realize that I can achieve alot, and learn alot. However, I have no time to even sit down and do homework without wanting to just sleep! How am I supposed to have good grades when I don't have enough hours in the day?
brrr... I think I'm going to get some coffee now.
11.14.2005
quote of the day
Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it. - Ellen Goodman
11.11.2005
phil collins
If Leaving Me Is Easy
I read all the letters, I read each word that you've sent to me
And though it's past now, and the words start to fade
All the memories I have start, still remainI've kept all the pictures,
but I hide my feelings so no-one knows
Oh sure my friends all come round,
but I'm in a crowd on my own
It's 'cos you're gone now, but your heart, still remains
And it'll be here if you come again
You see, I'd heard the rumours, I knew before you let me know
But I didn't believe it, not you,
No you would not let me go
Seems I was wrong, but I love, I love you the same
And that's the one thing that you can't take away but just remember...
If leaving me is easy,
Going back is harder...
I read all the letters, I read each word that you've sent to me
And though it's past now, and the words start to fade
All the memories I have start, still remainI've kept all the pictures,
but I hide my feelings so no-one knows
Oh sure my friends all come round,
but I'm in a crowd on my own
It's 'cos you're gone now, but your heart, still remains
And it'll be here if you come again
You see, I'd heard the rumours, I knew before you let me know
But I didn't believe it, not you,
No you would not let me go
Seems I was wrong, but I love, I love you the same
And that's the one thing that you can't take away but just remember...
If leaving me is easy,
Going back is harder...
carmax
- interviewed me, it took 2 whole hours, gah.
but it helped me gain a little perspective as to the whole, should i move to wichita debate. the only way i'll go to wsu is if they can help me find a part time job/work study and can provide me housing on campus. picky aren't i?
option two is to work for my friend jamilah at her coffee shop part time, and go to southwestern with all those lovely loans. =)
option three is to run away to south america and become a drug lord.
but it helped me gain a little perspective as to the whole, should i move to wichita debate. the only way i'll go to wsu is if they can help me find a part time job/work study and can provide me housing on campus. picky aren't i?
option two is to work for my friend jamilah at her coffee shop part time, and go to southwestern with all those lovely loans. =)
option three is to run away to south america and become a drug lord.
11.10.2005
brian setzer
ok, so stating your goals in writing helps you achieve them, right? that's the theory i'm going with here:
goal one: get healthy
goal two: lose 60 lbs. - that's 10 lbs a month, i can do that, right? right?
goal three: balance work and school and manage to make monthly car payments...
ok, the third one is the one i'm going to have to tackle hard. right now, as much as i like penney's, it just isn't working. i am barely squeezing in study time for 4 classes at a glorified-highschool community college, my brain will EXPLODE if i combine penney's with full time real college.
they just don't pay me enough for the hours i work, or the stress i get as a lovely bonus as a supervisor. plus, i HAVE to work MWF in the mornings, and we all know that's when most real college classes are scheduled. ack.
but right now, i'm pleased with myself. i just finished a 30 minute workout, and am about to tackle sociology homework before going to wichita for a job interview. yay!
and as to brian setzer, i love psuedo swing music.
goal one: get healthy
goal two: lose 60 lbs. - that's 10 lbs a month, i can do that, right? right?
goal three: balance work and school and manage to make monthly car payments...
ok, the third one is the one i'm going to have to tackle hard. right now, as much as i like penney's, it just isn't working. i am barely squeezing in study time for 4 classes at a glorified-highschool community college, my brain will EXPLODE if i combine penney's with full time real college.
they just don't pay me enough for the hours i work, or the stress i get as a lovely bonus as a supervisor. plus, i HAVE to work MWF in the mornings, and we all know that's when most real college classes are scheduled. ack.
but right now, i'm pleased with myself. i just finished a 30 minute workout, and am about to tackle sociology homework before going to wichita for a job interview. yay!
and as to brian setzer, i love psuedo swing music.
10.21.2005
up
things are looking up again. not that much has changed other than the usual self-administered attitude change - oh, and the weather!! yay! it's fallish, i like fallish in kansas! cool weather makes me happy, it makes me think about cider and warm sweaters and long walks and ... Christmas! i feel like clapping my hands and giggling now.
work is about the same, busy and full of amusing little soap operas. we're gearing up for the xmas season, yay retail. not.
found out the other day that i will definitely be able to transfer to southwestern next semester and that's a relief. this business of community college would kill me if i had to attend another semester. lots of interesting people, and learning happens because a student chooses to apply herself, but i'm a snob... there's just an entirely different level of teaching and scholarship at a university or 4 year college. different people and different goals.
still enjoying my creative writing class though... and the stimulation is just good for me. i feel like my imagination is stretching and warming up for something big. that makes me happy.
i am longing for two things: a break, and companionship - a friend without the attachments of relationship/family pulling them away. i know that's selfish of me, you don't know what you have until it's gone sometimes. and, it takes time to build friendships, and even just to meet people.
"I wait for the Lord, my
soul waits,
and in his word I put my
hope.
My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait
for the morning,
more than watchmen wait
for the morning."
Psalm 130:5-6
work is about the same, busy and full of amusing little soap operas. we're gearing up for the xmas season, yay retail. not.
found out the other day that i will definitely be able to transfer to southwestern next semester and that's a relief. this business of community college would kill me if i had to attend another semester. lots of interesting people, and learning happens because a student chooses to apply herself, but i'm a snob... there's just an entirely different level of teaching and scholarship at a university or 4 year college. different people and different goals.
still enjoying my creative writing class though... and the stimulation is just good for me. i feel like my imagination is stretching and warming up for something big. that makes me happy.
i am longing for two things: a break, and companionship - a friend without the attachments of relationship/family pulling them away. i know that's selfish of me, you don't know what you have until it's gone sometimes. and, it takes time to build friendships, and even just to meet people.
"I wait for the Lord, my
soul waits,
and in his word I put my
hope.
My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait
for the morning,
more than watchmen wait
for the morning."
Psalm 130:5-6
10.10.2005
rat in a cage
why are there two sides to me? the outside and the inside. the inside is screaming tonight, asking questions, ranting and raving. why why why why? why do we have these amazing powerful feelings inside of us, these desires that can only be satisfied for brief moments? would it be better to not know that kind of joy at all? there are all these wants, and these fragments of hope that say, "there is something better!"
and then i cry.
and then i sleep.
and in the morning, i wake up and go to work, feed myself, clothe myself, make decisions that affect the "management" of "a necessary service" called "retail". how does this really help anyone? really? if jc penney's didn't exist, people would find jobs, and clothes at walmart, or dillards, or goodwill. this is not me. i am not my job. my job can't even afford me rent for my own place. not with car payments too.
i know, i know, already the tightness in my throat is less, my blood is cooling, reason comes in: just think where you were six months ago, just think where you'd be without a job that has given you some self esteem, and respect... but six months ago (believe it or not) i could look at the bright side too.
is life just a series of realizations, one misery to the next, one beautiful moment to the next? it is isn't it? life is waiting. ok, ok, where's the lifetime movie that says, "you can't just go on waiting for life to happen..." or, "carpe diem..." etc. etc.
this is my hour of discontent.
i'm restless again. the more often i find myself like this, the more i see that this is a shortcoming of mine. i worry about it. i wonder if it's a symptom of a greater disease.
despite all my rage, i am still just a rat in a cage...
ok, that just popped into my head.
lying in bed, trying to wind down, memories come to me in crystal clear technicolor. good things i may never have again, bad things i brought on myself, bad things others did to me, good things that are always out of reach.
then i hear mom shuffling around with her walker in the kitchen, trying to load the dishwasher. i grab the kleenex, pull on my robe, and chase her away from the sink and finish the job.
is that God answering me? yes, stefanie, you are useful, you're just where you need to be... it's all about choices, and you're making the safe ones.
and yet, i keep sabotaging myself. fear gets to me. or something. i procrastinate something fierce. even when i have all sorts of good reasons for getting things done. if i do the work in front of me, won't it just be replaced by something equally insurmountable and yet, honestly, all too easy?
i miss being young. i miss feeling like i have and exciting road ahead of me. i miss not knowing that bad things can happen to me. i guess i'm just in a bad mood.
we always know the truth down there somewhere. we're all looking for someone who understands. someone who knows, you know? i miss that. there's still a sliver of hope in me that says i'll find that someone again.
and then i cry.
and then i sleep.
and in the morning, i wake up and go to work, feed myself, clothe myself, make decisions that affect the "management" of "a necessary service" called "retail". how does this really help anyone? really? if jc penney's didn't exist, people would find jobs, and clothes at walmart, or dillards, or goodwill. this is not me. i am not my job. my job can't even afford me rent for my own place. not with car payments too.
i know, i know, already the tightness in my throat is less, my blood is cooling, reason comes in: just think where you were six months ago, just think where you'd be without a job that has given you some self esteem, and respect... but six months ago (believe it or not) i could look at the bright side too.
is life just a series of realizations, one misery to the next, one beautiful moment to the next? it is isn't it? life is waiting. ok, ok, where's the lifetime movie that says, "you can't just go on waiting for life to happen..." or, "carpe diem..." etc. etc.
this is my hour of discontent.
i'm restless again. the more often i find myself like this, the more i see that this is a shortcoming of mine. i worry about it. i wonder if it's a symptom of a greater disease.
despite all my rage, i am still just a rat in a cage...
ok, that just popped into my head.
lying in bed, trying to wind down, memories come to me in crystal clear technicolor. good things i may never have again, bad things i brought on myself, bad things others did to me, good things that are always out of reach.
then i hear mom shuffling around with her walker in the kitchen, trying to load the dishwasher. i grab the kleenex, pull on my robe, and chase her away from the sink and finish the job.
is that God answering me? yes, stefanie, you are useful, you're just where you need to be... it's all about choices, and you're making the safe ones.
and yet, i keep sabotaging myself. fear gets to me. or something. i procrastinate something fierce. even when i have all sorts of good reasons for getting things done. if i do the work in front of me, won't it just be replaced by something equally insurmountable and yet, honestly, all too easy?
i miss being young. i miss feeling like i have and exciting road ahead of me. i miss not knowing that bad things can happen to me. i guess i'm just in a bad mood.
we always know the truth down there somewhere. we're all looking for someone who understands. someone who knows, you know? i miss that. there's still a sliver of hope in me that says i'll find that someone again.
10.01.2005
audioslave
there's a song, i can't even tell you who sings it at the moment (too early in the morning) on my alternative station. hmmm... google will know...
Doesn't Remind Me - Audioslave
I walk the streets of Japan till I get lost
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
With a graveyard tan n'carrying a cross
It doesn't remind me of anything
I like studying faces in a parking lot
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like driving backwards in the fog
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
[Chorus]
The things that I've loved, things that I've lost
Things I've held sacred that I've dropped
I won't lie no more you can bet
I don't want to learn what I'll need to forget
I like gypsy moths and radio talk
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like gospel music and canned applause
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like colorful clothing in the sun
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like hammering nails, and speaking in tongues
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
[Chorus]
The things that I've loved, things that I've lost
Things I've held sacred that I've dropped
I won't lie no more you can bet
I don't want to learn what I'll need
Bend and shape me
I love the way you are
Slow and sweetly
Like never before
Calm and sleeping
We won't stir up the past
So descretely
We won't look back
[Chorus]
The things that I've loved, things that I've lost
Things I've held sacred that I've dropped
I won't lie no more you can bet
I don't want to learn what I'll need
I like throwing my voice and breaking guitars
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like playing in the sand what's mine is ours
If it doesn't remind me of anything
lately i feel like i'm rediscovering music. i feel like i missed out on a big chunk in the past 3 years. i forgot about audioslave, i love this song.
ps - my mom's recovering nicely from her knee replacement, should be home by sunday evening. we're so relieved everything went well.
Doesn't Remind Me - Audioslave
I walk the streets of Japan till I get lost
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
With a graveyard tan n'carrying a cross
It doesn't remind me of anything
I like studying faces in a parking lot
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like driving backwards in the fog
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
[Chorus]
The things that I've loved, things that I've lost
Things I've held sacred that I've dropped
I won't lie no more you can bet
I don't want to learn what I'll need to forget
I like gypsy moths and radio talk
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like gospel music and canned applause
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like colorful clothing in the sun
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like hammering nails, and speaking in tongues
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
[Chorus]
The things that I've loved, things that I've lost
Things I've held sacred that I've dropped
I won't lie no more you can bet
I don't want to learn what I'll need
Bend and shape me
I love the way you are
Slow and sweetly
Like never before
Calm and sleeping
We won't stir up the past
So descretely
We won't look back
[Chorus]
The things that I've loved, things that I've lost
Things I've held sacred that I've dropped
I won't lie no more you can bet
I don't want to learn what I'll need
I like throwing my voice and breaking guitars
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like playing in the sand what's mine is ours
If it doesn't remind me of anything
lately i feel like i'm rediscovering music. i feel like i missed out on a big chunk in the past 3 years. i forgot about audioslave, i love this song.
ps - my mom's recovering nicely from her knee replacement, should be home by sunday evening. we're so relieved everything went well.
9.24.2005
words
words can be so powerful... mom and i have gotten addicted to "lost". a friend loaned me the first season on dvd, and we're half way through it. so many of the characters memories (for those who don't know, the main characters have flashbacks to their lives before they were on the island) center on a phrase or a conversation that impacted their entire lives. some words have particular power... words like NEVER, ALWAYS, NO, YES, I LIED... i wonder what words you're thinking of right now that made you the person you are.
9.21.2005
non-apologies
i thought of warning you readers that my last post was kind of dark. i decided not to, because i can't apologize for who i am or what i write... i'm taking a creative writing class right now and, it's becoming a great outlet for me. i'm finally writing steadily -- which hasn't happened in like, a million zillion years. so, from time to time, there will be little exerpts from the deep dark creative mind of stefanie that are a little more polished than my sundry musings... feel free to comment because i'd love some feedback. i've never really written poetry before even though i love to read it. my first fumbling attempts were in my american lit class last year under dr mac (one of my favoritest people) and so i've been playing with it ever since. mainly, it's just a good feeling of relief to be able to WRITE.
not deep enough
The bed is deep
I burrow under the covers,
making a rut.
I nestle my head into a pillow
and try to forget.
The bed is deep
sucking me in
to unfinished dreams and
layers of guilty sleep
where I try not to remember
The bed is deep,
but I still remember
the night you ran off in a
stormy anger and
I
devastated,
swallowed the
whole
bottle
Of Perkaset from your last visit
to the dentist,
I chased it with a glass of wine
and let the tears stream
as I picked up the phone
to call for help
They tied me down as they
pumped
my
stomach,
full of black oozing charcoal--
the little Italian nurse held my hand
and smiled
And when you showed up at the
hospital,
(the next day)
The bed was not deep enough.
It wasn’t deep enough to hide me from you.
I burrow under the covers,
making a rut.
I nestle my head into a pillow
and try to forget.
The bed is deep
sucking me in
to unfinished dreams and
layers of guilty sleep
where I try not to remember
The bed is deep,
but I still remember
the night you ran off in a
stormy anger and
I
devastated,
swallowed the
whole
bottle
Of Perkaset from your last visit
to the dentist,
I chased it with a glass of wine
and let the tears stream
as I picked up the phone
to call for help
They tied me down as they
pumped
my
stomach,
full of black oozing charcoal--
the little Italian nurse held my hand
and smiled
And when you showed up at the
hospital,
(the next day)
The bed was not deep enough.
It wasn’t deep enough to hide me from you.
9.18.2005
negligent of late
well, school has kicked in, and so has my promotion to supervisor at work... needless to say, i've been a little busy. which is good. but i'm soooo tired! i really am enjoying the work right now, however i'm concerned at the moment that i won't be able to maintain this pace when i head to southwestern next semester. at the moment my courses are evening ones, and online gen. eds... manageable with a full time schedule.
hard to say what will happen next this year... i'm very bad at focusing to much on that i'm afraid. at the same time though, if we didn't look ahead, we wouldn't have reason to keep going.
hard to say what will happen next this year... i'm very bad at focusing to much on that i'm afraid. at the same time though, if we didn't look ahead, we wouldn't have reason to keep going.
8.24.2005
i love cake
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/comforteagle
i rediscovered this today, whoever did it rocks.
i rediscovered this today, whoever did it rocks.
8.19.2005
open
is there such a thing as being too open? i used to say to my husband that when you "opened your mind" to new things that not all new things are good things. i still think that's true. however, there's the other extreme too, where everything one is exposed to goes through so many filters that the impact of, whatever-it-is, is totally lost upon the reciever.
i don't want to be sheltered. i want to make my own choices. i like to have all the facts in front of me. i like to know what others think.
but there are times, when all i want to do is find a cave and wait out the storm around me.
there are times, when i don't know what choices to make, or whether it really matters in the long run what others think.
i'd like to think i'm living my life alone. but the simple FACT is that i am not.
each moment is built on another, each hour of my existence is impacted by the thousands before it, and is unique to me. it is unique. it is not able to stand on its own. i am not alone. but i am.
open up your mind, but don't let the garbage fall in. don't let the poison course through your veins. wipe the blood off your hands lady macbeth... scrub it all out. power is meeted out to us in small portions for a reason.
don't let the garbage fall in, but don't go blind. be wise as serpents and harmless as doves. use your knowledge to build, not destroy. don't use your words as weapons. the words you speak can be daggers, or the tools to build a friendship.
the FACT is, i have large dreams, and a small life. each morning i wake up with the glamour of each dream lingering around my eyes. dreams are powerful, they can pull you into another world or push you back out into the real one.
open up your heart. you can get hurt, but you can also heal. you can hurt, but you can LOVE. sometimes the pain is worth it, and it will not last forever. i have to believe that. no moment stands alone, no injustice goes unseen forever... God is there always. love is somewhere always. love is not always pretty. sometimes it can be harsh and difficult. sometimes, your love will not be accepted and seen for what it is.
don't let the poison creep through your veins. don't let hate and anger dwell within you. they are ugly and destructive companions. they will bring you lower than you ever imagined you could be, and blind you to the good things. nothing is ever the same when you see it through a filter of mistrust and anger. resentment and selfish indignation will only get you so far, and by the time you get there you will be so EMPTY.
maybe it's just about making the right choices, opening yourself up to the right things, and knowing what you want. maybe it's simply a matter of opening your heart to what is good and right and letting God take control. maybe it's about sorting through the garbage the world hands you and learning discernment.
i don't want to be sheltered. i want to make my own choices. i like to have all the facts in front of me. i like to know what others think.
but there are times, when all i want to do is find a cave and wait out the storm around me.
there are times, when i don't know what choices to make, or whether it really matters in the long run what others think.
i'd like to think i'm living my life alone. but the simple FACT is that i am not.
each moment is built on another, each hour of my existence is impacted by the thousands before it, and is unique to me. it is unique. it is not able to stand on its own. i am not alone. but i am.
open up your mind, but don't let the garbage fall in. don't let the poison course through your veins. wipe the blood off your hands lady macbeth... scrub it all out. power is meeted out to us in small portions for a reason.
don't let the garbage fall in, but don't go blind. be wise as serpents and harmless as doves. use your knowledge to build, not destroy. don't use your words as weapons. the words you speak can be daggers, or the tools to build a friendship.
the FACT is, i have large dreams, and a small life. each morning i wake up with the glamour of each dream lingering around my eyes. dreams are powerful, they can pull you into another world or push you back out into the real one.
open up your heart. you can get hurt, but you can also heal. you can hurt, but you can LOVE. sometimes the pain is worth it, and it will not last forever. i have to believe that. no moment stands alone, no injustice goes unseen forever... God is there always. love is somewhere always. love is not always pretty. sometimes it can be harsh and difficult. sometimes, your love will not be accepted and seen for what it is.
don't let the poison creep through your veins. don't let hate and anger dwell within you. they are ugly and destructive companions. they will bring you lower than you ever imagined you could be, and blind you to the good things. nothing is ever the same when you see it through a filter of mistrust and anger. resentment and selfish indignation will only get you so far, and by the time you get there you will be so EMPTY.
maybe it's just about making the right choices, opening yourself up to the right things, and knowing what you want. maybe it's simply a matter of opening your heart to what is good and right and letting God take control. maybe it's about sorting through the garbage the world hands you and learning discernment.
8.18.2005
hello
as you can see from the last three posts, i finally figured out how to use hello to post pictures. yay me! now if i could just figure out how to get my pic on my profile...
today's my first day of class, i start with algebra, yuck. but, it is a means to an end and so i will trudge through it with as much diligence as i can muster. my boss is being very considerate in giving me a lighter schedule this week... but i hope i can maintain a few more hours that the 24 she gave me.
well, i think i'll go shower now. yay for evening classes and days off!!
today's my first day of class, i start with algebra, yuck. but, it is a means to an end and so i will trudge through it with as much diligence as i can muster. my boss is being very considerate in giving me a lighter schedule this week... but i hope i can maintain a few more hours that the 24 she gave me.
well, i think i'll go shower now. yay for evening classes and days off!!
8.16.2005
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