retirement

i'm retiring this blog. at its inception, it served a very necessary function for me. it has helped me think, connect, express and heal in the past... but - hah, as anyone can see, life has a different shape for me now, and i think i will move on. i'm not deleting this though, because there are a lot of things i've said here, that i will need to look back at occasionally.

thanks for listening, everyone.

the dell

it's a grey morning and i am recovering from the aftermath of the independence day concert/fireworks insanity of yesterday. the dogwood dell - where i'm working this summer - puts on a massive show every year, and we lucky staff members get to do things like hang bunting, direct traffic, and drunk people, and guard the fireworks perimeter - oh and the howitzers for the 1812 overture (which, was pretty cool i must say).

so i've been working with this summerstock program for over a month now. i've made ballet costumes, ASM'd a show (which i didn't realize i was doing until like, oh tech), met a whole bunch of crazy theatre people and made friends, and am in the midst of costuming Joe Turner's Come and Gone (August Wilson). and, as insane as it all is, it's one of the easiest and most fun jobs i've ever had.

my little apartment is great, despite the 20 min drive to work, because i have incredibly low rent thanks to the god-send my hosts are. richmond is fantastic. major contrast from tennessee, even though virginians here adamantly claim the south - they are a different flavor of southern. i'm headed over to agecroft hall tonight to see the richmond shakespeare festival perform the tempest - they're doing henry iv later this summer too. i'm looking forward to simply watching a show, and not worrying about whether everyone's getting their cues right.

hopefully i'll have some pics to post next time - like i said, i've really been blessed with some good friends here - and i've been terrible about documenting my life lately =)

and...

BLAM - the semester is OVER. and i am living in Richmond, VA for the summer. whoa. on top of it all, i only have two semesters left at freed - officially. i'm actually *this close* to finishing school and becoming a non-college student, WITH a degree. =D

may i just say that the state of virginia is gorgeous?? i am in LOVE with it. i am settled into my little flat, and relaxing with a glass of italian soda (blood orange) bought at the most amazing grocery store, and marvelling at the prospects before me. i'm living in a CITY, a big historic rambling beautiful old city - one that is four hundred years old and full of museums and art galleries and pretty pretty parks and stores and streets and ... i like virginia. i feel steeped in all sorts of history and art and ... coolness now.

so the big question rolling around in my head these days is this: what am i going to direct as my senior play next year. these are my top three:

- Hedda Gabler (Henrik Ibsen)
- Endgame (Samuel Beckett)
- A Doll's House (also Ibsen)

cliff got my hopes up earlier this semester when he said we could have "a conversation" about directing Mother Courage and Her Children - an amazing play by Bertolt Brecht - but alas, all it was WAS a conversation. so now i'm a little scribbly, trying to nail something down that i love and can DO at freed-hardeman. pleh. we shall see.

down time/s

it's been a kind of down day ... the sun is out, and it's raining, the sidewalk is yellow with pollen and i feel drained and dry. it's hard for me to understand exactly why the sadness creeps in when it does. life is overflowingly full, i'm needed and plugged in, i have friends - really great ones - and i'm just a little sad, and very tired.

my soul feels stretched thin again, and i've been longing for solitude and time with God alone. peggy smith and melanie morris are leading a women's class at the creek now. the book we're reading: sacred rhythms by ruth haley barton, has come at just the right time.

how do we work through these dead times, the times when everything feels distant and strange? i feel a step off, in everything ... but somehow, i always weave my way back onto the path and breathe a sigh of relief when i do. but what do you do, what did i do last time, to work out of it? maybe it's not me at all, maybe it's something else that pulls me back.

neglect!

wow. i am incredibly neglectful. i can't believe the semester is halfway over, the holidays are long gone... and here i am.

it's been a packed three months or so. i have a second housemate - tiffany - who is wonderful and sweet, i have finished costuming her show, Enchanted April, and am recovering from working the job contact service room at SETC. pray hard, i'm angling for a good summer internship at a theatre... anywhere.

on the wow, i can't believe it side of things: IAN AND BRITTANY ARE ENGAGED.

and my prayers and joy are with them. brittany is a blessing and i can't imagine a more amzing, talented and deeply loving match for my sweet brother. thank you Lord.

and then, Chris is about to graduate, along with several of my favorite people. i've been here over a year now, and looking back i am simply amazed at the person God has allowed me to become.

2 down 3 to go

I've been back at Freed for a year now. This time last year, I was trudging through pre-xmas sales days at JCPenney and training someone to take my place. I was nervous, unsure and unhappy (happier than I had been but still...). Kansas was a good place for me to come back to, because my family loved and cared for me and reminded me how to do that for myself too.

And now, I've had a whole year of being a full time student, and am marvelling at my grades - all A's and B's - for the fall semester. I have a family of friends at Freed, a little place to call my own, and work I can be proud of and passionate about. There are even days when I feel like nothing can stop me. God is good.

Next semester I'm taking directing, and doing costumes for Tiffany's play. It will be challenging, and lots of fun. I'm going to miss my Susan H., who transferred to Harding (good luck suse!) and several friends who graduated this December. I can't believe that finally, next year, I will be a senior in college... ready to leave the undergrad world behind.

Right now, I'm enjoying being with my family, and lazing about the house watching LoTR and White Christmas, reading books I want to read, and talking about anything but the next assignment due. Mmm... a nap is calling me.

sigh

so i pretty much HATE looking at pictures of me right now. i'm tired of baby-step progress, and all this half way dieting that ends with cookies and chocolate. someone needs to duct tape my mouth shut between meals.

hey, other than that i'm GREAT. seriously. the play is over, and it was amazing. i am already thinking about stage managing ANOTHER play, i liked it that much people. it was hard, and exhausting and challenging, and i loved it.

i continue to be happy, despite my battles with self image, which is nothing new i suppose i'm just admitting them now. and deep down, i know that over the next year or so, it's going to get better. infinitely better. that moment of happy about a month or so ago was the turning of the tide in my mind.

we're home, it's thanksgiving break, and i'm spoiled as usual by my sweet family. it's time to sleep, read and write. and sigh. whether it's good stress or bad, there's always a moment of relief when it's all over. of course, i still have three weeks of school left this semester, and a term paper, but for the moment i'll take time to sigh.